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Marriage Laboratory - Love experiments for busy couples

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LDS

Occasionally I guest post on LDS.org.

Here are some of my articles:

Motherhood: A Sacred Weight

How to Pray in a Way God Can Answer

Going After That Which is Lost

The Biggest Barrier to Our Connection with God

What it REALLY Means to Be a Child of God

How I Learned My Worth Isn’t Measured in Checkmarks

The Beginner’s Guide to Family Councils

 

 

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  • [18/18] WE MADE IT! It's the 18th post of our 18 post series on what to do when you wish your husband would help more with the kids and house.⠀ ⠀ For this last post I want us all to feel pure empowerment.⠀ ⠀ This is good timing because school is starting! And school starting is basically like New Years. New school year. New you.⠀ ⠀ Let's take some time to just dream.⠀ ⠀ I love dreaming.⠀ ⠀ What would a perfect normal day look like for you? (I'll share mine 👇 ) A perfect week? A perfect month? What would you be doing? What does your schedule look like? What passions are you pursuing?⠀ ⠀ I'll give you a minute to think about it. ⠀ ⠀ Ahhhh, feels good to dream right?⠀ ⠀ Maybe something came up right away for some of you. I'd bet for most of us there is that secret something we wish we could do or have, but feel like we can't. Not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough support.⠀ ⠀ I'll tell you mine. I want more time to work. More time to write. More time to plan out awesome blog posts and podcast episodes and courses and all sorts of awesome things I've got brewing in my mind. When I get inspired and words start flowing out of me- I'm in my happy place. I feel energized and content. I bet you have something that does that for you too.⠀ ⠀ But I feel like I don't have enough time or money or support.⠀ ⠀ But what if I DO?⠀ ⠀ What if you do too?⠀ ⠀ What if we could get the support we needed to make our dream days, weeks and months happen?? What if we had the power to make them happen?!⠀ ⠀ I believe we do friends. I really do. (if you need some ideas, se the past 17 posts). I believe you have some passion you want to pursue, and I fully believe no matter what your circumstance, you can Apollo 13 that thing into existence. Take out all of your resources (people, community, time, money) and take inventory. Then get creative.⠀ ⠀ This year, I'm practicing what I preach. I'm going to hire a nanny for the mornings so I can work! I am beyond excited.⠀ ⠀ It's gonna be a good year.⠀ ⠀ What would it take to make this the year the closest to your ideal life you've ever lived? Let's brainstorm how to make that happen? What do you need? What would it take? Tell me 👇
  • [17/18] When we are frustrated with our kids' behavior, we usually think to blame ourselves, or our spouse or our kids. But we don't often think to blame the pie in the sky expectations set by our current culture of perfection parenting.⠀ ⠀ Everyone's lives would be better if we did that instead.⠀ ⠀ We are so surrounded by the perfect parenting culture that we don't even notice it.⠀ ⠀ Somewhere in the past 6 decades or so parenting went from being a role to an identity. From "yes I have kids" to "my kids must be hard-working, successful, kind, and accomplished or I am a failure."⠀ ⠀ So. Much. Pressure.⠀ ⠀ We think living with this pressure is just how it is. We don't think to question it.⠀ ⠀ And then we get frustrated with our spouse for "doing it wrong." For not following the rules of our favorite parenting experts. For giving the kids junk food or too much screen time or playing with the toddler when they come out of bed at night or coddling failure or encouraging success or not upholding the chore structure. Or or or or . . . . ⠀ ⠀ So much pressure.⠀ ⠀ One of the biggest reliefs of my marriage came when I finally realized that there is no one "right" way to parent. Early in the game, I REALLY thought there was. Conveniently it happened to be my way.⠀ ⠀ THANKFULLY I started reading more marriage books than parenting books (I recommend reading at least one marriage book/article/podcast for every parenting one because our current ratio is WAY off, which only increases the pressure on our marriages).⠀ ⠀ When I say, "we should improve our marriages," people are like, "yeah, yeah ok." But then when I say things like, "Your kids happiness levels are linked to the quality of your marriage." People are like "WHAT?! HOW do I improve my marriage?!"⠀ ⠀ One of the effects of perfect parenting culture is that people care WAY more about upping their parenting game than upping their marriage game. Probably because our identities are so wrapped up in parenting.⠀ ⠀ When we need support, yes we should ask for help, AND we should question what expectations we are putting on ourselves that we can just LET GO.⠀ ⠀ What can you let go of? I'll share 3 things I let go of last year 👇
  • [16/18] The topic for this month has been what to do when you wish your spouse would help more.⠀ ⠀ We've covered a lot of components of this dilemma:⠀ - our desires (knowing we're worthy of them)⠀ - our words (expressing them effectively)⠀ - our village (expanding it)⠀ ⠀ Now I want to talk about a key component to this dilemma that could make or break the whole thing: OUR THOUGHTS.⠀ ⠀ When our situation is not what we want it to be, what do we do? Most of us go about trying to change our situation. This is fine and normal and what we've been talking about.⠀ ⠀ But what if we could change our feelings without our circumstances changing at all? What if we could feel loved and supported in our lives just as they are?⠀ ⠀ Thoughts are SO POWERFUL friends. We discount how powerful they are every single day, but personally I've experienced a complete transformation of how satisfied I am in my marriage these past few years. And it wasn't because my spouse changed, it was because I changed how I thought about my spouse and my situation.⠀ ⠀ Now, if you WANT to have the thought, "my husband doesn't help enough" and you WANT to be upset, go right ahead. Sometimes we want that. And that is our right as a human to think and feel however we want.⠀ ⠀ However, if you currently have the thought, "my husband doesn't help enough" and you want to think something different, please know that is absolutely available to you.⠀ ⠀ It is easy to think we HAVE to think and feel negatively when our spouse is acting negatively, but it's not true. Because "negative" it turns out, is super relative. And is always based more on what is going on in our brain than their actions.⠀ ⠀ @jodymoorecoaching is the queen on thought work and I must say has really transformed the way I think just by listening to her podcast. If you want to go deeper on how changing your thoughts about your spouse will transform your marriage, then please, please listen to her podcast "Better Than Happy." (my specific episode recommendations 👇)⠀ ⠀ Have you had an experience where your thoughts about your marriage improved your marriage without your circumstances changing? I'll share mine 👇
  • [15/18] The last few posts I've been talking about making friends and expanding our village. What does this have to do with marriage might you ask?⠀ ⠀ EVERYTHING.⠀ ⠀ If we have a village, when we ask our spouse for support and they can't or won't meet our desires, no big deal, we have other sources of support. But when we don't? That rejection is devastating.⠀ ⠀ I hope we are noticing a theme in these past 15 posts, and that theme is TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR FINDING THE SUPPORT WE NEED.⠀ ⠀ The University of California conducted a fascinating study on happiness. They interviewed thousands of people to determine the greatest correlators to life satisfaction. Their result? It wasn't success, wealth, popularity or even health. They found the factor that most correlated with happiness was HOW IN CONTROL OF THEIR LIVES THEY FELT.⠀ ⠀ Totally applies here. As humans, we are most miserable when we feel stuck, when we feel our trajectory is out of our control.⠀ ⠀ I know I've been most miserable as a mom when I feel like there is no way to get the support I need.⠀ ⠀ But it's never been true. Not when my husband has been too busy or tired. Not when I've lived 4 states away from our nearest family. Not when we lived on a student stipend for 6 years. There is always a way to find more support. It doesn't require more $ or a different personality. It just requires 3 things: 1. TAKING RESPONSIBILITY 2. CREATIVITY and 3. VULNERABILITY.⠀ ⠀ And when I say take responsibility for your own amount of support, please know I'm not BLAMING you for not having support. There is a huge misconception that responsibility = fault. It's usually not our fault at all that we don't have the support we want, BUT it IS our responsibility. This is a very empowering difference.⠀ ⠀ When we focus on our situations not being our fault, we feel stuck and resentful of those in our lives who aren't helping us as much as we think they should. When we take responsibility, we switch our brain channels from blame to creativity. From self-pity to empowerment. From hopelessness to hope.⠀ ⠀ It's a better way to live.⠀ ⠀ When are you most miserable in your motherhood? What has helped you? My answer 👇
  • [14/18] Something that is not talked about a lot when it comes to making friends is how much trial and error and asking and rejection goes into the process. ⠀ So many times Rich and I really hit it off with people only to be rejected again and again when we invite them over.⠀ ⠀ And that’s fine.⠀ I could choose to make that mean that they don’t like us, but I choose to think that they have healthy boundaries that we have bumped up against. And I am a fierce proponent of boundaries. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends and it doesn’t mean I am not a like-able person.⠀ It just means I need to keep inviting people until I find someone who wants to get together the same amount that I do. My experience has taught me that if I keep inviting, I always find that person or couple.⠀ ⠀ I think a lot of us tell ourselves that if only we were . . . (more outgoing, less awkward, smarter, funnier, skinnier, more involved) that we would have more friends.⠀ ⠀ This story is not serving anybody. ⠀ ⠀ We would do well to apply the advice we give our teenagers - you don’t need to be prettier, more popular, smarter or funnier to make friends. You just need to invite others in. And sometimes you need to invite yourself in.⠀ ⠀ Those lovely ladies up there 👆 at one point seemed like an impossible group for me to break into. We were in the same church congregation for years together and I envied how close they seemed. I assumed they were not in the market for more friends. They all lived in the same neighborhood, their kids were all older than mine, they were more established (husbands had careers, mine was still in school). ⠀ ⠀ But then, I found myself in need of some running buddies and I knew they ran. So I mustered up a lot of courage to ask if I could run with them. Which was very brave because I was SIGNIFICANTLY slower than ALL of them. ⠀ ⠀ But I’m forever glad I did because that was the start of these ladies becoming my best friends and forming one of the most reliable and best villages I’ve ever had.⠀ ⠀ I so wish friends grew on trees, but they don’t. They grow on invitations and vulnerability. (a good reminder to me as I just moved to a new place!)
  • [13/18] Sometimes when we see pictures online of friends going on girls trips or hanging out, we might think, "Gosh, it must be nice to be so popular." It can be easy to think that friendships just fall into other people's laps when we don't see the behind the scenes of what it took to grow those friendships. I'm going to give you a little peek behind my own curtain of how vulnerable my own village-growing has been in the next few posts. When my oldest was a wee toddler I was in those days of trying to make every errand take as long as possible just to fill up time. I counted down the hours until Rich got home every night. I had some great friends at the time from church and neighbors, but no one that seemed to want to get together as much as I wanted (like erryday). So, I strapped on those bootstraps and pulled myself up to library story time. Our attendance was 3% for my daughter, 97% for me to make new friends. I kinda assumed that once I started going the friends would come a knockin'. Nope. I had to actually talk to people (yikes). Then I had to actually ask for people's numbers (terrifying). Then I actually had to invite people over (the worst). And it worked! See those two ladies up there? They became some of my very best friends, and we all met at library story time with our toddlers. I still get misty-eyed thinking of how much their friendship meant to me during that stage. They were the best sort of villagers. They DID want to get together like everyday and we did! They are the ones I was in a 5 year weekly meal-swap with. When I went on vacation, they spent HOURS deep cleaning my house just to surprise me (I know!). When Emily got married, mine and Theresa's daughters were her flower girls (👉😍) They were worth every vulnerable moment. Even the ones that inevitably come after the initial get togethers. Those questions of, "Do I ask them for too many favors?" "Do I complain too much?" "Do they really like me or are they just being nice?" Vulnerability doesn't go away at the outset of friendship, it rears its head in every stage. So if you are feeling vulnerable in your village-growing, you are doing it right! Yes?

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