If you don’t want lame answers, you can’t ask lame questions. Here are some tried and true different questions to ask your spouse at the end of the day besides, “How was your day?”
This is the last post from our rituals and routines month. Check out the other posts:
No time together? Take the 10 minute DAILY connect for busy couples challenge!
The Weekly Marriage Check In: A Happier Marriage Week by Week
Low Energy Ways to Connect With Your Spouse Besides TV
So often the only daily re-cap my husband and I give each other is,
“How was your day?”
“Fine, yours?”
“Tiring, but fine.”
Meh. This conversation doesn’t do much by way of bringing us closer together OR actually hearing about our day. This isn’t because we’re wrong to ask it or because we don’t care for each other, rather its because we’re just asking each other the wrong questions.
If you and your spouse are stuck in the “How was your day?” “Fine” rut, try switching up the question! Like Glennon says,
“If you don’t want throw away answers, you can’t ask throw away questions.”
– Glennon Doyle
Last week we talked about how to connect with your spouse for 10 minutes everyday. A few questions we recommended were based on understanding the struggles and successes of our spouse’s day:
- “What was the best part of your day?”
- “What was a success you had today?”
- “What energized you today?”
- “What was something hard that happened today?”
- “What did you struggle with today?”
- “What drained you today.”
I did some more research on better questions to ask, and Rich and I have been experimenting in asking each other new questions at night when we talk.
Sara Goldstein from Oddly Well Adjusted (posting on parent.co) was the winner with the best list of questions I could find. Here are some favorites from her post 21 Questions to Ask Your Spouse:
- “Did you listen to anything interesting today?
- If you could do any part of today over again, what would it be?
- What app did you open most today?
- How can I make your day easier in 5 minutes?
- What did you do to take care of yourself today?
- When did you feel appreciated today?
- If you could guarantee one thing for tomorrow what would it be?
- What made you laugh today?
- Did you give anyone side-eye today? What did they do to deserve it?” – Sara Goldstein
Glennon from Momastery.com has an EXCELLENT post on this topic called Save the Relationships: Ask the Right Questions. A few of her ideas:
- “When did you feel loved today?
- When did you feel lonely?
- What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?
- What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?
- What can I do to help you right now?
- Were there any times you felt proud of yourself today?” – Glennon Doyle
So, Rich and I are getting better, but we’ve had our fair share of failed questions as well. Take it from us, here are some things NOT to ask your spouse instead of “How was your day?”:
- What have you been doing all day?
- Why is there orange juice on the carpet?
- Don’t you think it might be better to talk to your boss about that?
- When WILL you _____ (turn in that application? call your mom? do the dishes? take the wet and now mildewy towels from swim lessons out of the bag?)
- Isn’t it your turn to put the kids to bed?
Learn from our mistakes.
Let’s re-cap.
Now if you REALLY want to up your communication game, here’s an idea for you:
- Get a cup. Any cup will do.
- Put your email in that box down there to get a free PDF print out of all these good questions from this post.
- Print the PDF.
- Cut out the questions.
- Fold em up and put them in said cup.
- Take one or two out each night at dinner or at a chatting time of your choosing.
- Bask in your new-found intimacy and communication with your partner.
Or you could just print the questions page out and put it up on your fridge for a helpful reminder.
If you want the free PDF printable of the 21 questions in this post get it here:
And here’s what it looks like:
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I asked my neighbors,what’s the secret of keeping your marriage of seventy years together.She replied “my finger did all the talking” with her husband by her side.
At the risk of sounding naive, what does that even mean? “My finger did all the talking”?? Lol
I guess i am just as naive, what does it mean?
It means she only had to point her finger in the direction and he already knew what he had to do. Ex. She points her finger towards the overflowing trash can…..he knows that he needs to get the trash out.
Depends on finger
I’m right there with yas. Other than the middle finger, the thumbs up or down, the “Yo Bro” sign (Hawaiian-thumb/little finger raised), or Danny talking to his friend Tony (from the Shining) who lives in his mouth, how does one talk with a finger?
Thank you so much for posting this!!! I’m going to try some of these questions. I love talking with my husband and hate we we have dead end conversations! Im always wanting to learn and improve our marriage… After all it’s the most important foundation of our family under
God
Awesome Parma! Well said- our marriages are the most important foundation for our family. Hope these help!
Tq feels so helpful
Thanks.for posting this
Great!!!
thank you now i can stop saying how was your day dear and kissing my partner
But why is there milk on the carpet?
Ha. A fair question. Somehow my kids’ sippy cups of milk always tend to end up upside down on the carpet :/
Honey you spilled it this morning while sweetening your coffee 😉
Lmao. I mean thats pretty serious. Milk will make your carpet smell flippen weird. J.s
Krista- totally. Its the worst.
My husband and I take a different approach. Often, as he walks in the door, he says “how was your day?” and I reply, “it just got better”. It brings a laugh and puts us in a good mood. We’ve been married for 40 years!
Awesome! I love that idea! I bow to your marriage expertise after 40 years!! Thanks for sharing!
… and may you have many more years together. ☺
I like this one too
Aww, that’s so sweet. Love it.
That is sweet. I know this is an old post but had to say, I love it. Thanks
I love this! Thanks for the sweet idea!
beautiful and full of wisdom
Ditto for us and we’ve made it 37 years
I love this comment.!!!
THNKS FOR POSTING THIS YOU MADE MY DAY
I’m so glad! Thanks for letting me know!
This is lovely Celeste. Thank you. But when this NOT TO ASK questions are asked how the other spouse feel?
This is SUCH a great question Vera! Different things help different people, but for me, I would try to stay calm in the moment and then if his being inconsiderate was still happening or still bothering me by the end of the week, I would bring it up during our weekly check in (remember criticism sandwich- compliment first, then bring up what is bothering you, then compliment again). I’m going to refer you to three other posts on this blog and hopefully they will help!!! 1. What to do when your spouse bothers you 2. The Marriage Weekly Check In and 3. Bringing Out Your Spouse’s Best Side. Good luck! Let me know how it goes!
I always feel a bit weird commenting on a blog for the first time, but I stumbled onto a link to this post on Pinterest and thought it looked really interesting because it’s something my wife and I have been working on for a while. What we’ve found is that questions can be tricky things – I mean, even when they are asked sincerely they can sometimes come across as sounding forced, or even like some kind of interview or even an accusation.
I think what I really want to suggest is that we’ve found that questions that are limited to ‘something that happened today’ are never as good as questions that bring our relationship back to more something more profound than just day-to-day living.
Rather than worrying too much about what we each did ‘today’ we try and regularly ask questions that help us uncover more and more about eachother and help us connect deeply through meaningful conversation.
We’ve actually bought a couple of table games that have conversation starter type questions and keep them on the table to ask over dinner sometimes, but this has also spurred on some almost ‘competitive’ trying to come up with great questions to ask and this means we’re thinking about each other more and more when we’re apart.
For example, I was in the supermarket yesterday and trying to think of ideas for my question and I noticed I was walking past the cereal. Anyway, I suddenly wondered what kind of breakfast foods my wife ate at home growing up. I know that knowing what kind of cereal your spouse ate as a kid isn’t very profound, but when I asked her about it we ended up talking about how my wife became very independent when she was young because her parents worked so hard on their business and didn’t have my energy left for things like preparing breakfast (so my wife would always get up and take care of herself).
James- you are totally right! Especially if my husband and I are a bit “off” questions can seem really forced and awkward. And I agree – the end goal of these conversations isn’t to get a play by play of their day, but to CONNECT with them. I LOVE your ideas on how to do that. Sounds like you are doing great in the communication department! Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!
I’m interested. What are the games you mentioned?
yes James, you really are awesome! and he left a “long, heartfelt post…!” awesome 😉
Great post – date night will be a lot more interesting! I work at home and hubby is disabled, so we already know how each other’s day was. Now I have something different to ask!
Awesome! So glad you found it useful Anna! Let us know how it goes! 🙂
Just curious about the finger question, did anyone find an answer? Lol. It confused me too!
I’m still wondering myself 😉
Lol me too
I will try this before I get married
Awesome Lincy! Hope you find it helpful!
Yes what about the finger? I’m getting more curious by the minute
Maybe “come hither” like an invitation to the bedroom?
Could it be she used sign language? Or used her finger to write messages? I’m puzzled too!
Thanks for the great post! Not only do you mention some interesting questions to keep your marriage more interesting, but also some that you should not ask. Great advice!
.. the”Let the fingers do the talking” is one way of expressing our love which is “Sense of Touch” based on the 5 Languages of Love.
I would think that would be letting the hands do all the talking? Or at least fingers plural although fingers still sounds odd to me
Awesome!
I love these,i will be trying them.Thanks
Awesome! Thanks Wesley! All the best!
But I m separated
Guys the finger. THE finger…. As in the middle finger. Lol! Thanks for a great post and great comments as well!
Great post, love all the comments
I will add this …I let my finger do the talking. The finger points, the finger is shaken as if to scold, as come here you sexy thing. The fingers can be seductive. As in back rubbing,etc. It did not make a lot of sense when the older women said it. I am seventy years old. Either way, when I think on this, back in the old days…It was not used to praise, encourage, or uplift. So young people…keep talking. Life goes so quickly and tomorrow is not promised. Tell the one you love every morning, every night how you can’t live without each other and how much they mean to you and how they have enriched your life. If something happens.. and it will…You will not be sorry that you learned to speak words of affirmation. Nighty night. The finger was used to shame, to quiet as to put it up to your mouth in reference to hush. To point and wiggle back and forth. as to say no, no, no. Not a good way to have warm, loving communication is it. Back to the drawing board.
Those questions sound like the way a therapist would ask you, or like the way daycares are trained to talk to kids.
I thought the same thing, i think adding in personalized questions so that your partner doesn’t feel like he/she is being grilled…
Thank you so much for writing this article. I read it and saved the website address in January 2017 and came across it again. I’m still unmarried but love questions like “How can I make your day easier in 5 minutes?” – I think that’s such a loving question… A servant leadership, love in action kind of question that can be applied to any relationship.
I also took the time to read all the comments. There are some beautiful nuggets in there too! I also love that the author takes time to respond. I salute all of you.
Sending you love.
I am a very happy woman with the help of Lord Krish Spiritual who helped me restore my relationship with my ex husband. My name is Agnes Smith and I am from Alaska, USA. I met Lord Krish Spiritual through a testimony online and I never thought I would have my ex husband back after 4 years of separation. After my contact with his email, he told me not to worry and I would really be happy as I am now. Trusting in his words was a right decision for me. After 2 days, my ex husband called me that he wants to return back to me and live with me forever and I was very shocked. This made me believe in Lord Krish is really a very great spiritual man. Today, I am very happy to write this testimony about him and want others to testify to his power as I am currently happy in my restored marriage. Contact Lord Krish Spiritual through his email at lordkrishshrine@ gmail. com to help you solve that relationship problems in your marriage.
I have always believed in
1. Never go to bed mad.
(Or we don’t get to go to
Bed at all!) Lol we’ve only
did that once in 22yrs of
Marriage.
2. It takes ONE MINUTE to say something nice and
FIVE MINUTES TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN.
3. Aways kiss and hug when
Leaving home and coming back. (You don’t know if it’ll be the last time)
4. ALWAYS respect each other (no name calling,
even JUST KIDDING) It becomes a VERY BAD HABIT.
5. ALWAYS have your partners back.
There. That’s not hard to do.