On that note, I present you with some funny things my kids have said recently (all taken from my Facebook statuses in the past few months):
I recently asked my kids what they want to be when they grow up.
Offspring 1’s*** answer: a construction worker.
. . . If there was one occupation that LEAST incorporated Offspring 1’s interests and natural skill set, it would be construction worker (she HATES loud noises. Also getting dirty. Also work. Also boys.)
Offspring 2’s answer: Offspring 1’s mom.
Ha! This on the other hand incorporates both Offspring 2’s interests and natural skill set perfectly. And what younger sibling doesn’t want to boss their older sibling around all day and have them obey? (her exact quote: “When I grow up, I want [offspring 1] to stay a wittle girl and for me to be her mom)
*** I tried calling my kids different names for this blog, but it felt so disingenuous. I like to think of this blog as me just chatting with my friends so calling my kids different names just feels weird to me 🙂 So I’m calling them offspring 1 and 2 for this post 😉
Me: Guess what Offspring 2??
Offspring 2: What?
Me: You get to go to the doctor tomorrow!
Offspring 2: Why?
Me: Well . . . because it’s [breaks into song] time for your checkup, time for your checkup. They’re gonna check yo- [#docmcstuffins #momhumor]
Offspring 2: Mom! Stop! Stop singing!
Me: Why?
Offspring 2: Because when you sing it hurts my heart.
Strong words Offspring 2. Strong words.
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Offspring 2: “Do you want to play bad guy babies?”
Me: ” . . . . what’s that?”
Offspring 2: “It’s where bad guys fight with babies.”
Me: “Oh. . . Then no.”
“Mom, do you know what I wish?? [sighs whistfully] I wish I could grow up to be just like that lady in the Roar video.”
– Katie Perry. My daughter wants to grow up to be just like Katie Perry. Awesome.
At the library at a little puppet show stand:
Girl: “Ok, your mom and dad have to go sit on that side and watch.”
Offspring 1 [yelling for the whole library to hear]: “My dad doesn’t live with us any more! He moved out.”
– It felt awkward to yell out, “Actually, he’s just traveling for work . . . we’re not separated. Our marriage is fine!” So I let it slide, the other moms were much nicer to me after that anyway.
Last Sunday during the sacrament, I noticed Offspring 1 snuck two pieces of bread so I gave her the mom disapproval side eye.
Offspring 1: “Mom, do you know why I took two pieces of bread?? It’s because I really REALLY want to think about Jesus!”
– Nice try.
Chatting about our recent trip to Disneyland:
Me: “So what was your favorite part about Disneyland? Meeting the characters? The rides? The shows?”
Offspring 1 (without a second’s hesitation): “The cotton candy.”
– Oh good. Good thing we didn’t just spend a lot of money on non-cotton candy related activities.
Offspring 1: “Do you know what my favorite color is mom?”
Me: “Pink.”
Offspring 1: “First is pink. Second is purple. 3. sparkly pink. 4. sparkly purple. 5. red. 6. sparkly red. 7. rainbow. 8. silver.”
– Now you know.
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I always wondered if my kids would ever have imaginary friends. Offspring 1 has developed one- confusingly called “other mom.” She seems to be strangely obedient to this ‘other mom.’
Like, “Oh I can’t go to bed yet mom, other mom needs me to cut up this paper to make some money.” Or, “No, I can’t eat that, my other mom told me not too.”
I wish other mom would share her secrets to my daughter’s obedience . . .
…………………..
Offspring 2 was on a roll this morning. Some of her musings:
“Mom, let’s play family. You be the mom and I’ll be your wittle chiwld.”
“I didn’t say shut up! I said ‘fud up.’ Isn’t that great?” (sigh.)
Me: “Offspring 2, can you do your car seat buckle by yourself today?”
Offspring 2: “No. But I love you!”
*both girls looking very suspicious*
Offspring 1: ” . . . . Oh! Oh I think I see a squirrel outside and I think he’s crunching something!”
Offspring 2: “It’s a coconut!!”
Strangely enough, there WAS a squirrel outside my house in 20 degree weather munching on a coconut . . . . . .
No. No there wasn’t.
……………………….
Offspring 1 was discussing her birthday plans at length today (her birthday is in March)[this was January]. She plans to go to the GymNest, then swimming, then cake, then a pinata, etc etc.
I asked Offspring 2, “Offspring 2, what do you want to do for your birthday?” (In February)
Offspring 2: “Oh!! Can we read a story?!?!”
Full of demands this one. . .
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Offspring 1: “Most people’s faces are oval shapes. Our family’s faces are circle shapes.”
Bummer she noticed. #widefaceproblems #shaperecognition
Offspring 2: “We want a doll from Costco. Do you too?”
Two year old friend: “I don’t have a Costco.”
Offspring 2: “Oh. You can share mine! Is that so nice of me??”
Offspring 2 is not the world’s best sharer. We’re all pretty proud of her efforts here.
…………………….
You know your shower has gone a little long when your four-year old knocks on the door and asks, “Mom?? Everything ok in there?”
……………………
Tonight:
Me: “Ew Offspring 2! Don’t lick that salt on the ground! It’s for the snow! That’s yucky!”
Offspring 2: “No, it’s awesome.”
My mistake.
…………………….
Reasons my 4 year old has cried today:
1. I blended something and neglected to let her push the button.
2. She’s not allergic to anything (and her friends are). Poor thing.
3. Curious George is SO naughty and never learns his lesson!
Me: . . . . .
*** While I don’t generally watch Rich and I kissing, I didn’t think we were THAT bad at it.
………………………………….
A few weeks ago:
Offspring 2 (who was rubbing my leg): “Mom, you fell in the grwass?”
Me: … ? … No …
Offspring 2: “You twipped and fell in the grass? You get grwass on your yegs?”
Apparently my leg hair was so prickly that the only possible explanation my two year old could come up with was that I tripped, fell in the grass– causing the grass to then germinate, take root and start growing on my leg.
Kids are awesome.
The “my dad doesn’t live with us anymore” yelled in the library was the best. Ha hah hah hah hahhhhhhh!
Haha, that’s awesome! I’m glad Allison can’t talk yet because my legs are super prickly right now. Maybe she doesn’t mind? =)
Hahahaha Awesome! The best for me was that offspring number 2 wants to be mom!
These are so great! Kids say the funniest things!
Celeste, my kids keep asking what I’m laughing at! Oh my goodness, there are some GOOD ones in here…all of them, actually. I was out of town this past weekend, so Gabe took the girls to church alone. When they got there a lady approached them and asked where I was. Ellis replied, “She’s at a hotel now.” And left it at that. Gabe was like, “–because she’s traveling!” Also, I’m pretty sure it hurts my kids’ hearts when I sing, too. I can’t mention all of them, but they were ALL SO FUNNY!
This is hilarious. Other mom? Has she seen/read Coraline?
Those are some beautiful, hilarious kids! You can tell Offspring #1 that Aunt Julie understands ALL about the circle face problem 🙂