Six Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage When You’re Really, Really Tired
By Celeste
Because I like you I’ll let you in on a little secret . . . sometimes Rich and I fight. Sometimes we fight frequently and sometimes we fight loudly, other times silently and many times fervently. These fights range in subject matter from very serious issues like finances and parenting techniques to sometimes even more serious issues like what’s the most effective way to keep our kitchen sponges from stinking? Replace them frequently or microwave them and keep them forever? (the correct answer is to replace them frequently FYI). In the wide range of our disagreements, I’ve noticed one common theme throughout almost all of them . . . . fatigue.
Fatigue! The Common Enemy of Marriage. It is out to get yours like a monster in the night.
Seriously guys, every one of our fights is either started by, perpetuated by or intensified by one of us being tired. When you’re tired your inhibitions are lower, your tempers are higher, you’re slower to hold your tongue and quicker to take offense. It just makes every problem seem worse than it is.
And if you don’t believe me, believe science!
- A study at the University of Berkeley gave 60 couples a sleep journal for over a week and tasks to complete as a couple. They found that couples that got more sleep 1. worked better together, 2. encouraged each other more and 3. expressed more gratitude for each other; whereas individuals who got less sleep where more likely to prioritize their needs over their partners. Additionally, they found that insomniacs were FOUR TIMES more likely to suffer relationship problems.
- Another study entitled “Sleep deprivation impairs the accurate recognition of human emotions” found that sleep deprivation interferes with people’s ability to distinguish between the facial expressions of others. Misreading your spouse’s emotions can lead to PROBLEMS.
- The National Institute of Health found that losing even ONE HOUR of sleep can negatively affect your mood, your ability to think properly and respond quickly.
Sleep! It’s important! So, without further adieu, I present:
6 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage When You’re Really, Really Tired
1. Go to bed earlier.
This is a really obvious answer, but it’s so hard. Once we put the kids down, there are always a million things I mean to do – there’s those darn dishes (always! how can five people use SO many dishes?!), general clean up, answering emails, phone calls, blog posts, sewing projects, laundry and the ever appealing allure of watching a show with Rich (which tends to win out much of the time regardless of how many other things I need to get done).
So there are about one million things keeping us from bed time at night no matter who you are. The procrastination of sleep does not discriminate- it affects productive types and lazy types alike. We’re all in good company here. I know when I set rules like this for myself – be it diet, bedtime, whatever- after a while I tend to get all teenage rebellion-y on myself and I say “NO! Junk food and staying up FOREVER!” Of course, that is night-time Celeste talking. Morning-time Celeste is much more logical and tends to deeply resent that night-time Celeste and her wily ways.
Anyway, I think the first thing we need to do in regard to bedtime is to think of it not just as something that affects us, but as something that affects our spouse and kids (and co-workers and friends). If you can’t get yourself to go to bed earlier- do it for your spouse. And do it together with your spouse!
Now, that being said, there are times when we just can’t get more sleep. Newborns, work deadlines, and illnesses are some very legitimate reasons why we are just going to be tired. There are certainly times when bonding with your spouse, work, church or home responsibilities and other priorities just need to take precedence over sleep. But these should be the exception rather than the rule. So, for those times try a few of these other suggestions:
2. Frequently acknowledge the real source of your emotions both to yourself and to your spouse.
This is key. It is much easier to take offense when we’re tired, so when you find yourself being offended, pause and tell yourself, “Wait. It’s ok. I’m just tired. I won’t think about this until I’m better rested.” Or when you snap out and lose patience with your spouse, remind both yourself and your spouse that it’s just the fatigue talking.
My ‘mad-at-Rich’ attitude and my ‘tired’ attitude look shockingly similar, so it’s understandably very difficult for him to distinguish between the two. When you are super tired you should find yourself FREQUENTLY saying to your spouse, “I’m sorry. I’m really not mad at you I promise. I’m just tired.” Over and over. Make sure they know you are not upset with them and remind yourself of that too.
3. Don’t keep sleep score.
This is a hard one for me. Here’s an all-too-common scenario: It’s 7:00am – the girls are awake and wanting breakfast. Both of us pretend to still be asleep and wait until the other one runs out of patience and gets up. I stayed up late doing the dishes (read: browsing the internet) and the baby woke up twice last night. Rich had gone to bed early since he had been drop-dead tired from a project last week. I wake up and think, “Why is Rich still asleep? HE went to bed first! HE didn’t wake up with the baby! His turn!” Meanwhile he’s thinking, “Why is she still asleep?? SHE can take a nap today! SHE didn’t have to stay up until 3am all last week finishing that work project! SHE got 8 hours of sleep all last week! Her turn!”
Or this one: I ask Rich to do something. He replies, “Oh babe. I’m so tired, can I do that tomorrow?” My mind immediately thinks, “YOU’RE tired?!” as I calculate how much sleep he got last night vs how much I got.
4. Fake it till you make it. (Don’t doom the day before the day begins)If I know I got less than six hours of sleep, I tend to doom the day before the day even begins. I lay in bed in the morning and my mind immediately starts thinking of what I can skimp on today (What’s the easiest breakfast/lunch/dinner I can make? How many episodes of “Magic School Bus” is too many for the kids today? How much chocolate do we have in the house?) I give up on the day before even making an effort just because I know I’ll be tired. It’s not just “getting up on the wrong side of the bed,” it can mean “getting up on the side of the bed where I feel JUSTIFIED in being unkind or impatient.”
I’m not saying you should feel that there is NEVER any excuse for taking it easy. No, no, no. Take it easy when you need to! But don’t give up on your day or on your ability to be nice without giving it a shot first. So next time you get too little sleep- try to fake it till you make it. Smile at your spouse even if you don’t feel like it. Compliment them. Hug them. Try pretending you have energy and see what happens.
5. Do not make tired your way of life.
You don’t get a ribbon or a prize for being the busiest, or for surviving on the least possible amount of sleep. Of course there are infinite things that can eat up every hour of the day and night that you could be doing. But if your lifestyle is long days at work or home, hobbies or entertainment or extra responsibilities every single night, and self-medication of caffeine throughout the day, then you’re building a life founded on constant exhaustion. And that’s shaky foundation.
If you have insomnia issues, it’s worth looking into some solutions or medical interventions. Go to a sleep clinic. Read some books on how to sleep well. Try some relaxation tapes (I always have insomnia the last trimester of my pregnancies and I can’t believe how well relaxation tapes helped me get to sleep and back to sleep this last pregnancy- I’m HUGE advocate).
If you’re constantly missing sleep because of toddlers and/or babies (I’m not talking newborn- you’re just going to be tired if you have a newborn), personally I think it’s worth checking out some books and making a plan with your spouse. You can go the non-crying route, or the crying route, or the crying-a little route. I’m not at all confident about most of my decisions as a mother, but I am so very, very happy I read some good books, talked to other moms and made a plan when my first was 6 months old. I can’t tell you the difference it has made on our entire family when we are all able to sleep well.
6. Prioritize- put the best things first.
When you have limited energy, it’s ESSENTIAL that you do the very most important things first. Remember the rule of good, better, and best: don’t put things that are ‘good’ ahead of things that are ‘better’ or ‘best.’ This will leave the best things undone and will undoubtedly lead to fatigue. Figure out what the very most important things are for you and your family. Do those things first when you have the most energy and then fill in the gaps with the better and the good.
In researching this post, I came across this FANTASTIC article called, “Exhaustion is Not a Prerequisite to Perfection.” The author outlines her battle with the false notion she needed to constantly exhaust herself and how she’s solved her fatigue problems by prioritizing. Here’s a quote:
[I] learned that there are many causes for my fatigue. Some are beyond my control. Thankfully, however, the Spirit helped me see that when I focus tough-mindedly on my major priorities, when I have sufficient self-discipline to attempt to accomplish only those priorities, then I have a mind-set that protects me from fatigue and exhaustion. Whatever else I am able to do after that I view as a bonus. But I take pleasure in what I am able to do, and I do not feel guilt and frustration over what I have not been able to do. For me, this overall orientation is a major key to living without fatigue.I am happy to have learned that constant fatigue damages my body, clouds my mind, and limits my spiritual resources. When I’m exhausted, I simply am not capable of living a joyful life. And because I want to find the joy in life that the gospel promises, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to achieve this goal, always keeping in mind the great truth that “men are, that they might have joy.” (2 Ne. 2:25.)
So, if you are feeling constant fatigue, take a serious life-evaluation and cut out the things you can cut out and cut back on the things you can cut back on.
Just do your best and leave the rest to God- He knows what things are good, better and best for YOU, His child, and He’ll help you if you ask Him to.
And seriously, if you’re reading this and it’s after 10:30pm- do yourself a favor, do your spouse a favor and shut this computer and GO TO BED!!
Great post, Celeste! You’re right, being tired and having a discussion with your spouse can definitely make mountains out of mole hills sometimes. And then the next morning I often wake up feeling ridiculous about the whole thing because it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Thanks for these thoughts and ideas!
“mountains out of molehills” Good one! Wish I would have thought of it for my post!
Wow! This post really hit home. For the past two weeks my babies have been playing “tag” all night long and Richard and I are not getting any sleep. I don’t think I step back often enough in all of my relationships and realize how my exhaustion is the cause…I probably should get to bed!
I was just telling Rich what a great post Celeste. I am constantly doing the sleep score with Stephanie, “I’m tired from lab, you should take the dogs out” type thing. I also always seem to doom the day as well on less sleep but instead of how many Magic School Bus episodes to watch I usually try to see how short I can make my workout haha! Way to help bridge the importance of communicating effectively and clearly with your partner on less sleep and remembering that many disagreements stem from this cause.
Thanks Patrick!! Your comment is so nice and your text to Rich about it seriously made my day!
You make good points. I have been married a long time and it is a common theme. Thanks for sharing.
I’m wondering how often my husband and I do a similar version to number 3? 😉 LOL…. thanks. This post is great!
Great great post. Most of our fights and misunderstandings occur when we are tired.
I’ve finally learned if I allow my husband a short nap when he gets home he’s so pleasant the rest of the evening !
That’s a great tip Marcy. Sometimes Rich would come home so tired and I would be annoyed if he napped, but if it helps him, then it really helps the whole family and is totally worth it- I should remember that- thanks!
This makes so much sense, Celeste! Being overtired leads to so many irrational responses – getting over-defensive, victim mode, I’m so misunderstood, crying at that drop of a hat, refusing to acknowledge humor. NONE of it productive! Love the support you included!
Thanks Shel! That means a lot coming from such a marriage expert!!
Fatigue really IS a monster. I was getting so much fatigue that I finally went to check it out and found out I was B12 Vitamin Deficient, and now that I’m taking supplements and upped my meat eating, I have been doing great and feel more energetic than ever! 🙂
Oh man my sister had a B12 deficiency- it was crazy! She’s doing much better now.
This is a very insightful post and definitely very helpful. Fatigue can cause problems and I am glad you pointed out the many ways to battle it to keep a blissful marriage 🙂
I needed this. Thanks for the tips – now the hard part: applying!
This is such a great thing to remember. I feel the need to bookmark it, as my husband and I are exhausted a LOT lately. Thanks for sharing!
We have been putting a lot of time into going to bed on time and together at the same time. It has made a huge difference in our marriage.
Going to bed at the same time is SUCH a great achievement! Well done!!
My husband and I always try to go to bed at the same time. Even if we are just both in bed and he’s not tired yet. It really helps to stay connected.
Wow, this is really good! I pinned it because I know I will be coming back to re read it. Fatigue is at the root of so many issues, and then I’m too tired to do anything about it! lol. Thank you!
Really interesting take on relationships. I never thought of it that way, but I think you are right!
Oh my gosh, where was this post for the first three or four months of my daughter’s life?!?! My husband and I are both quite irritable when we are tired, AND we’re both horrible stubborn, which makes for a terrible combination. I was definitely guilty of the sleep score during that time. :/ If we ever have more kids, we’ll definitely handle the fatigue in a more productive way.
I am writing a blog series about marriage involving the Love Dare and touch on this topic briefly during a couple of the dares, so I really appreciate and agree with this post! thank you for sharing! 🙂
Great post Celeste – we are guilty of ALL of these and have a lot to work on. Speaking of which, I should probably go get some sleep now 🙂
This is a great post. My husband just started working more so fatigue is a factor in my marriage right now.
Some great tips for down the line for me, Thanks for sharing!
I am awful when I get tired. I literally have no energy and fall asleep by 9pm. Especially in winter it’s harder to spend more time together and do things that relieve stress!
Katie <3
One of the highlights of the day with Hubs is going to bed early. At 4.5 months pregnant, I can’t seem to ever get enough sleep.
I always try to acknowledge the REAL cause behind petty little arguments. Is it because I’m super tired, frustrated about something else, etc? It helps a lot to calm things down before they get to be too much!
Great post! Fatigue can definitely take a toll on a marriage. I’ll be sharing these tips with my husband for sure.
I totally agree with this. I know my moods are all over the place when I am very tired.
After being married for 17 years, I can agree with the tiredness. I can always tell when my husband isn’t getting enough sleep. Just like children, they get grumpy with tired and hungry 😉
Wow. This is an incredible post that really strikes a chord with me – especially with a newborn baby at home. Thank you for sharing!
One of the things we do, which may be a little TMI… is having our ‘intimate time’ right after the kids go to bed, when we still have a bit of energy… then we sink in to the couch to watch tv. If we sink in to the couch first… suddenly it’s 10:00 and we are crawling in to bed and passing out.
Some of this reminds me of fights between my sister and my mom. Like, god, two people can both be tired at the same time.
Meanwhile, I’m dealing with fatigue with my work – overwhelm, mostly, and it’s turning to dread far too often lately. I keep thinking about cutting back on things but it’s so hard to prioritize.
With a newborn in the house- I can attest to this! It seems lack of sleep frequents our house lately, and it seems that we seem to argue over the dumbest of things. I am happy to say that we both can giggle over it after a few minutes, but sleep plays a big role!
All such great points! When we added babes to our family it was rough going at first and some days are better than others but we learn from each experience. Great post!
Love this article Celeste! I just re-posted this on our site!
Only been married a short while but this is definitely true!
Wow! Awesome post! Found this through pinterest and it’s so true! I find myself playing the sleep game in my head a lot and it causes unnecessary frustration with my husband which is totally unfair because he’s clueless of what he did wrong (which in reality is NOTHING!) It’s so much better to do what I can and what I can’t, put to rest for another time instead of blaming him because I didn’t get enough sleep. Very good post and it’s so cool meeting another Celeste!! Yay!
Name twins!!! Thanks for your comment Celeste – and I agree, even after knowing this is wrong, I still keep sleep score in my head way more often than I should 🙁 It’s hard! 🙂
Thanks, Celeste, for making me think more about realizing when my fiancé and I are tired, we need to realize that is why we are having disagreements. Sometimes we need to take timeouts from each other (we do not live together) and then we are so much more appreciative of each other when we reconnect!
Thank you for your post. On a quest for how to deal with my husband’s tiredness and how not to take his behavior from it personally. He’s very frequently tired, most days of the week, and doesn’t like chatting when he is feeling this way, often retreating to his phone or heading to another room to be alone. I try not to take it personally, but I find it difficult since I work from home and often he’s the only person I see or speak to each day and look forward to him coming home so it becomes disheartening when I prepared dinner then he eats quickly and withdraws . Perhaps there may be a medical reason for his tiredness as he often sleeps a full 8 hours and naps when coming home from work. Will try to think of what you wrote.