Sometimes Rich and I do this thing where we stay up late at night and then we’re both complete grumps in the morning and take turns tending the kids while the other one sleeps, but somehow we always both feel like we got the short end of the stick.  Our sleep scores don’t add up.  And then sometimes when he comes home from work, even if we both had ok days separately, we’re still cranky pantses to each other.  We’ll either barely interact or just sort of disagree with the other one’s opinions for no reason.

And then we step back eventually and think, “Wait a second.  Why are we being grumps to each other?  Aren’t we on the same team here?  What are we even mad about?”

And usually it’s just because we’re tired or someone else said something that put us in a bad mood or the kids were hard or an experiment failed at work or or or.  Usually, it’s nothing to do with them, but for some reason, we’re able to keep it together for everyone else, but our spouses wind up getting the short end of our temper stick.

Sometimes we just need a quick fix to get ourselves to like each other again.

Want a way to get your spouse to like you again when the day-to-day marital grumps set in?

Here it is:   LIKE THEM FIRST.

Convince them that you like them.  Remind them.

Here’s a quote from my bloggy hero Glennon Doyle (Momastery) from this article:

This is so true.  When I think of my friends- they come in all shapes and sizes.  A lot of them don’t have anything in common.  I’ll tell you the secret to getting me to like you though:  Like me first.  It’s basically a shoe-in I’ll like you back.  Even people that I’ve gotten a bad first impression of for whatever reason, if I become convinced they like me, forget about it, I’ll be their friend regardless of  imperfections.  

I guess I’m vain like that, but I think most of us are.  

In fact, remember that book “How To Win Friends and Influence People“?  The title sounds like the answer is in some sort of trickery or sleight of hand.  Like, “I’m pretty crappy, but I’ll use this secret tip and poof!  I’ll have friends and influence the world!”  Turns out, there is no magic trick to have friends and influence people- the thesis of the book was basically, make other people feel loved and special and appreciated and you’ll have friends and be influential to them.

Same thing goes with our marriages.

The solution sounds very simplistic:  convince them you like them.

So what keeps us from doing this all the time in our marriages?  A few ideas:

• Sometimes we disapprove of their actions and we think that being kind would make them think we approved of whatever it is we don’t approve of
• Sometimes we feel like they don’t like us so why should we like them?
• Sometimes we feel like we liked them first after the last fight, this time it’s their turn
• Sometimes we don’t want to feel the vulnerability of liking them first because what if they reject our act of kindness?

Remember- as a wise snowman once said, “Only an act of love will melt a frozen heart”  (ugh, why is that movie so applicable to marriage metaphors?!  Sigh).  But really, love CAN melt a frozen heart- including your own.

Sometimes our own hearts need just as much thawing as theirs.

So, give him that hug, send her those flowers, remind each other of an inside joke, compliment each other.

Thaw, love, convince, remind, repeat.

The title of this post makes it sound like I’m maybe going to talk about fear of infidelity or some serious trust issues.  I’m not.  I’m going to talk about little choices we face everyday when we see our spouse’s flaws and we can either choose to fear or we can choose to love.

Guess who has two thumbs and has no flaws…….. nobody.  That was a trick question.  Nobody is flawless.  Unfortunately that includes you.  Equally as unfortunate, that includes your spouse.

When you get to know someone on a marital level, those flaws are bound to peak out and call attention to themselves.  When you see your spouse’s flaws, it’s all too easy to let fear take over.

“Wait a minute,” you say, “How long is this imperfection going to last?  Will you EVER get over this?  Why are you like this?  Were you born like this?  Can you just get over this imperfection of yours, PLEASE?”

It can be really easy to fear not only each other’s flaws, but also the potential trajectory we fear that those flaws will take.

For example, if our spouse shows a tendency to be a little… unconcerned with neatness. We can fear that not only do they leave their socks lying around now, but we’re probably just stuck with a slob forever, who will never do the dishes or even notice that our house smells like feet.  They’ll never change.

Or if our spouse shows a tendency to be a little…. overly concerned with checking their phone.  We can fear that they would rather be alone with their phone than with us.  And we’re sure they’re not doing anything productive.  And probably they’re just addicted to it.  Yes, it’s become an addiction and we will be left to raise our children completely alone because our spouse is now married to their phone.  They’ll never change.

Sometimes we need to remember why we married them.  Remember how smart, funny, attractive, inspiring we found them.  Remember they still are smart, funny, attractive and inspiring.  Sometimes our lens just needs a little cleaning.

Everyone can change.  You can change.  I can change.  And even if our spouses don’t choose to change as quickly as we would like or in the exact way we would like, remember- that’s ok.  You can love them anyway. Choose to hope. Choose to love.

Remember perfect love casteth out fear.

* I’m not talking about abuse or serious addiction flaws here.  If those are their flaws, seek some professional help.

One problem with letting fear creep into our perception of our spouses is that we start to lose HOPE in them.  Hope that they can change.  And when we do that, we start not believing in them. They can feel our loss of hope in them.  They may even start to believe it about themselves.  Then what are you left with?  Hopelessness, distrust, fear.

Don’t ever give up hope in your spouse’s ability to change.  They need you to believe in them.  You need you to believe in them.  Even if they don’t want to change yet (or ever), don’t doubt their ability to do it.

I think sometimes we get confused of our role in our marriages.  What is our role exactly?  Their parent?  Their buddy?  Are we responsible for THEIR self-improvement?

Could be.  Sometimes.  But I think more times, no.  I think feeling like we are responsible to correct our spouse’s flaws will lead to nagging, frustration, hopelessness and fear.  And it will probably lead our spouse to the crazy house (because it will drive them CRAZY) or at least to want to sleep on the couch.

So what is our role?  I think it is to love.  I think it is to have faith in our spouse, to believe in them.  And when it’s hard?  And when we think they’ve done nothing to “deserve” it?  Believe in them anyway.