Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Eric and Catherine Andersen

The fourth post in our series Secrets of a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years in which I interview Eric and Catherine Andersen.

This Interview is Part Four of a 4-Part Series:  Secrets of a Happy Marriage 

When I was thinking of couples to interview for this series the Andersens seemed like an obvious choice.  They’re always so sweet together and wise and patient in all they do.  They are a real asset to our area, to our congregation and to each other.  🙂  I hope you enjoy reading this interview as much as I did conducting it!  – Celeste


Secrets of a Happy Marriage from couples married 25+ years.
Q:  How many years have you been married?

Catherine:  40

Q:  How would you define a successful marriage?

Catherine: It continues.

Eric:  It lasts and the couple keeps loving each other. There are some that last when people don’t love each other very much I suppose, but I think the first line in Tolstoy’s Ana Karena applies to couples as well,

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

There are some husbands and wives who do everything together and some don’t but work together well, we’re somewhere in the middle. We each have our things. We banter a lot.

Catherine:  Our own parents’ marriages were very happy but very different. Eric never saw his mother disagree with his father.

Eric:  And Catherine always saw her mother disagree with her father.  🙂

Catherine:  I think a successful marriage is you keep adapting to where ever you are. People change, circumstances change, and you have to keep adapting.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years
During the Interview

Q:  What has been the secret to YOUR happy marriage? Has it changed over the years?

Eric:  Well, it’s a secret . . .  If we tell you we have to kill you. [laughs] No, I’m kidding. I mean really it sounds so trite, but living gospel principles is a huge start. I’m not talking about just going to church, but really living gospel principles.  We’ve known people who are very active in church, but have very unhappy marriages.  Living what Christ teaches- loving others and putting them before yourself is an important foundation to any marriage.

Catherine:  We have breakfast and dinner together almost always. There was a time when Eric was in the stake presidency in Cedar Rapids and he was gone A LOT and our daughter was in Young Womens and the teacher was talking about fathers and she said, “What does your father do for you?” And I thought, “Oh gosh. What is she going to say?” I mean he was gone A LOT. But she said, “He is always there for dinner.” He made a point of always being there for dinner. I’ve always remembered that she noticed and appreciated that.

Eric: And we’ve made a point of always having breakfast together even when Catherine taught early morning seminary for nine years. So, we’ve been busy, but we have eaten together.

Catherine: I’m a big believer in eating together.

Eric: When she’s gone, I sort of wander around snacking. I much prefer when she’s here.

Q:  What leads to an UNHAPPY marriage?

Catherine: Clinging to hurts.

Eric:  Yeah, I would say holding a grudge.  You need to forgive easily and regularly.

Catherine:  Eric is so good about taking me as I am.

Eric:  I think that goes both directions.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years

Q: If you had to give the younger version of yourself marriage advice what would you say to yourself after one year of marriage?

Eric: I think I would say to ourselves that it will never be effortless, be prepared to work at this and you’ll find greater and greater happiness. But you will have to work at it. We’ve had challenging circumstances- living abroad and various challenges getting our kids here. We have three kids, one adopted.

Catherine:  Constant adaptation.

Q:  Why do you think your marriage has gone so well?

Catherine: We are fortunate in that we have the same commitment to the gospel. We know some really good people who have not ended up there.

Eric: One other thing that I appreciate about Catherine is that she is such an exemplary Latter Day Saint. She thinks deeply about things. She stayed home with our kids despite the fact she had a law degree and a job. She had a degree before me. She didn’t insist on a career, although she could have.

Catherine: I didn’t want one. Our first son was seven by the time that we adopted our second son. I couldn’t bear not to be there when he came home. I adored my kids.

Eric:  Catherine has had a lot of difficult choices, and she’s cultivated the skill to be a critical thinker in a positive way. She thinks carefully and concisely about things. She asks hard questions and through all that she has a great faith that builds me up.  She’s always been a great example to me of thinking carefully through difficult issues.

We also have the same views about money. My approach is to make her handle all the money. So she does all the taxes and budgeting. Big decisions we make together, but I get my $20 spending money.

Catherine:  It’s more than that. [laughs]

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years

Q: Is your marriage now different from what you would have expected your marriage to be when you were first married?

Catherine: I constantly think life is so different than what I expected.

Eric: Yes, the model I had was my parents marriage. And theirs was a fabulous marriage and mine is fabulous, but very different.

Catherine: You just don’t have any idea when you’re young what its going to be like when you get older. People see me now as an older person, but how I feel isn’t any different from when I was younger.  I’m still just me.  Just my knees hurt now.  🙂

Q:  Can you describe a challenging time you went through and what you did to maintain a strong marriage through the challenge?

Eric:  Raising kids is hard.

Catherine:  The third year we were married, Eric was working in a job that required him to be gone six days a week, long hours. Our son was two years old and we bought our first house and we ended up having to move twice because it wasn’t ready and I can still remember right where we were when we were in your office and Eric said, “Oh no!” and you had forgotten both our anniversary and my birthday and I had too! We both forgot.

Eric:  How about those first six months or so in England?

Catherine:  Yes, that was hard.  What did we do? Kept going to the theater and it got better [laughs].

Eric:  Here’s some advice: never pick a place to live that your wife hasn’t seen first!

Catherine:  [laughs]  That is good advice. We lived on Kings Road in Chelsea which was the punk capital of the world. I mean a huge intersection right there, bus station just downstairs, rock band playing late all night long. He was working long hours, always gone.

Constant adaptation as I said.  Prayer helps.  And not blaming your spouse for difficult circumstances.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years

Q:  How do you work out disagreements?

Eric:  I cave in all the time.  🙂

Catherine:  My daughter came to me one day and said, “it really worries me when you and dad fight.” I said, “what do we fight about?” And she said, “doing the dishes!”  [laughs] She meant we fight about letting the other one do the dishes.  Like, “I’ll do them.”  “No, I’ll do them.”

Eric:  We don’t disagree about much anymore. We disagree about birthday gifts.

Catherine:  I kind of think that it goes with whoever feels most strongly about the issue. Like when we were moving out, I kind of thought we should sell the house, but you really felt like we shouldn’t, so I deferred to you.

Eric:  Which was a mistake, but yeah, whoever feels most strongly. I think that’s right.

Q:  Final marriage advice?

Eric:  Be considerate of your spouse. You don’t have to be right. I can remember some of these men when I was bishop of a married student ward and the first thing they would do when they would come home was go play computer games. Their poor wives. So I guess it would really be live the gospel and not just be active in church or callings, but focus on the principles of loving your neighbor and your closest neighbor is your spouse.

Catherine: Letting go of things.

Eric:  That’s a good one because everyone gets hurt or has things that will hurt them.

Catherine:  It makes a big difference. It helps me a lot in my own life that my husband says such positive things about me and I hope I say positive things about him too. I think that you should be your spouse’s biggest supporter.

Eric:  Make a real effort of seeing the good in your spouse. If you want to see the negative side of anybody you’re going to have material, but make an effort to see the things that are most important and comment on them.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years

Secrets to a Happy Marriage: Terry and Doug Mahlum

The third post in our series Secrets of a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years in which I interview Doug and Terry Mahlum.

This Interview is Part Three of a 4-Part Series:  Secrets of a Happy Marriage 

The time has come. I knew my parents would have to be featured on this blog eventually.  Here they are!  My parents have a great marriage, which is extra impressive because they are two very different people.  My mom’s idea of a great day would be filled with learning, exercising, plenty of social activities, volunteering, dancing and checking things off her to-do list.  My Dad’s idea of a great day would involve a stack of five or six books and a comfy chair.  🙂

Also you know how most couples call each other babe or honey or some other pet name?  For as long as I can remember, my dad has called my mom “gorgeous lady.”  Like, “Hey gorgeous lady can you hand me my cup?”  🙂  Or, “Dad, have you seen my backpack?” “No.  Ask the gorgeous lady.”  I kept in most of my dad’s sarcastic comments in this interview not because they are particularly helpful, just so you can love him as I do.

They’re great.  You’re going to love them.   – Celeste


Secrets of a Happy Marriage from couples married 25+ years.
Q:  How many years have you been married?

Terry:  36

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years
Mid-Interview

Q: How would you define a successful marriage?

Terry: When you feel comfortable around each other, when you’d rather be with your partner than anyone else.

Doug:  You like being together. A guy I knew years ago who had been divorced and remarried said that he first realized when his marriage was in trouble when he started looking for excuses not to come home. So looking forward to being together, enjoying each others company.

Terry:  Before he retired, when I used to hear the garage door open and he was home from work, I would be so excited that he was home everyday.

Doug: So now that I’m home all the time, she’s excited all the time!! [laughs] I think its good when you enjoy each other and can make each other laugh.

Q: Whats been the best thing you’ve done to keep a strong marriage?

Terry: The best thing I’ve done was to make the right choice in who to marry. Because I could have married . . . there were guys before him.

Doug:  She was passing out numbers.

Terry:  So I think we have a strong marriage because I married the best person I could have married. Some of my friends who have had hard marriage problems, I don’t think I could have gone through that, but I think the best marriage advice needs to be to marry someone kind and thoughtful- the best person you can.

[Celeste here. My mom and I have similar opinions on this.]

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years

Doug:  And my advice is to marry up. Love is a choice and the physical love is easy to recognize but choosing to love and finding someone who you CAN choose to love is the trickier part.

Terry:  Other than that, we always pray together every day, go to the temple together and try to do things together that we both like to do. Every year we celebrate our anniversary by staying somewhere overnight.

Doug:  I’m still trying to keep my mouth shut.

Terry:  I try to think about what I say and to not be offended and to just accept things the way they are.

Doug:  Terry said it a lot better- that’s what I meant.

Terry:  You have to compromise. Like when we’ve gone on cruises we spend some time together but I like to go to the classes and do my thing. So I try to go and relax with him even when I’d rather be at a class and he goes and does the dancing class with me even when he’d rather be relaxing. We like to be together and so we compromise what we like or don’t like. He watches movies he’d rather not watch and I watch ones he likes.

Doug:  No, you sleep through them.

Terry:  [laughs] True.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years

Q: What are some lessons you’ve learned through the years?

Doug:  I remember Terry’s birthday now [laughs].

Terry:  Yeah, the first birthday we were married, we had gone on a backpacking trip and I knew we had been together the whole week and he hadn’t bought me anything. He didn’t do something for me all day and at 5:00pm on the way to my parent’s house, he said, “Happy birthday.”  [makes a classic Mom disapproval face 😉 ]  But I never said anything.

Doug:  [laughs] Yeah, she never said anything . . .. . icicles.

Terry:  But then he made up for it on Christmas.

Doug:  Because in my family birthdays were never a big deal. We’re lucky to get a card a month later, but I learned quickly that her family was different. So now we celebrate her birthday on time 🙂

Also, I’ve learned that it’s important to make eye contact with her when we’re talking. When we were dating, I would sit somewhere she couldn’t see me and she wouldn’t talk. I would have to sit right next to her and look at her. So I learned I have to look at her when I talk to her. That’s important to her.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years

Q: What do you think leads to an UNHAPPY marriage?

Terry:  When people don’t do things together, they grow apart and they become easily offended. They become selfish.

Doug: All those things that Terry said. I think you have to make an effort to talk and communicate and not get caught up in all the busy things there are.

Terry:  We make sure we have a date night every Wednesday night.

Secrets of a Happily Married Couple

Q: If you had to give the younger version of yourself marriage advice what would you say to yourself after one year of marriage?

Doug:  Stick with it, it’s worth it!

Terry:  For us, we were told it would be really hard and it is really hard for many couples but since we were older when we got married and we’re both so easy going, it was never that hard for us. But when it seems kind of hard, I always tell myself that things aren’t that bad and just to accept things the way they are. That attitude goes a long way.

Doug:  And I have to tell myself to change. Because I’m really good at accepting things they way they are. We complement each other that way.

Terry:  And if I do start feeling bad or offended, I just try to get over it. We never go through long periods of time without speaking. We talk. We get over things.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years

Q: How do you work out disagreements?

Terry:  On our mission, one of the disagreements we had was that I wanted to visit more people. I wanted to work longer hours, but he was the driver and I just had to get over it and compromise. We were together all the time and we didn’t always agree on what we should be doing.

Doug:  When we would go visit people I didn’t always agree it was the best use of our time and we’d still go visit them at Terry’s request. Terry never gives up on people.

Terry:  I try to be patient and try not to nag too much. For instance, our bathroom sinks don’t drain, so I try to decide how often I will mention the sinks.

Doug:  [makes excuse for the sink] See we talk things out, it’s good 🙂

Terry:  You can’t really change people, you just have to change yourself and you can’t have your own way about everything, nobody is married to someone perfect, you can’t always have your way.

Doug:  After a while, you kind of get used to and like those imperfections. Its reassuring to know that the imperfections are there. Because, obviously I have many myself.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years

Q: What is something you love about your spouse?

Terry: The thing I like about Doug is that I can count on him when I need help. If someone is coming over, he helps me clean. If I have to make lunch for Bible Study, he is going to make it with me. If I have a talk in church, he is going to listen to me give it everyday. He always supports me. I can count on him.

Doug:  And what I like about Terry is that she never gives up on people. And she never gives up on me.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years
Let’s all be glad Mom gave up on her perm (Kidding Mom! Just kidding! ) and I gave up on smiling. . .

Q: How do you divide up household responsibilities?

Terry:  Make your expectations clear. Plan out what you’re going to do and when you’re going to do it. We each have our nights doing the dishes and that helps me a lot. There are things that I know he’s going to do so I don’t do like taking out the trash. He likes to vacuum so I let him do what he likes to do and what he’s good at doing. He’s going to vacuum our house on Friday.

Doug:  In any relationship you’re going to find areas that one is better at than the other and some your both good at it and some your both bad at it. So if they’re better, follow their lead. And try and support them the way they want to be supported, and when you find areas you’re both bad at- you can’t chew each other out over it.

Q: Final marriage advice?

Terry: Tell each other that you love each other

Doug: And mean it!

Terry:  And spend some time snuggling every week.

Doug:  Snuggling is good. Its important to enjoy each other. I like to look over at Terry when she’s asleep at night and think, man I’m so lucky.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years

Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Garth and Loretta Parker

Second post in our series Secrets of a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years in which I interview Garth and Loretta Parker.

This Interview is Part Two of a 4-Part Series:  Secrets of a Happy Marriage 

So excited to introduce you to this sweet couple- Garth and Loretta Parker.  I LOVED interviewing them.  Something Garth said has stuck with me for weeks now. When he said, “it took a few years for it to dawn on us that the most important person in our lives was the other person, not ourselves,” I thought yes, of course.  I’ve been trying to re-align my thoughts to remember Rich’s importance to me since then.  Thanks Parkers!  -Celeste


Secrets of a Happy Marriage from couples married 25+ years.

Q:  How many years have you been married?

Loretta: 46

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years
Here are the Parkers whilst being interviewed.

Q:  How would you define a successful marriage?

Loretta:  Wherever you are either close or far, you know you’ve got your best friend right there.  I feel like he’s my best friend. He’s always there. He makes me feel like his best friend, and he knows whats important to me without me asking. My sister passed away, and we couldn’t afford to fly me out at a moment’s notice but he said, go. Fly. You should do it. So I never had to feel guilty. He always makes me feel loved by the things he does and says for me.

Garth:  What makes a successful marriage is longevity.  After 46 years there’s not a lot we don’t know about each other. We learned it along the way and always try our best to have our marriage based upon the principles of the gospel. She knows what’s important to me and tries to make that happen and I know what’s important to her and we’re always learning.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years

Q: What has been the secret to YOUR happy marriage? Has it changed over the years?

Garth:  Well, through the years you forget self. It just doesn’t matter, you’re more tuned in on the others needs. In the beginning we had different personalities and it took a few years for it to dawn on us that the most important person in our lives was the other person, not ourselves. For me there are still streaks of selfishness, but by and large it’s what is important to the other person that is most important.

Now I think about what the house looks like when she comes home and what can I do so she can come right in and relax. I try to do the laundry and stuff like that. I guess that’s the biggest thing- the longer you’re married the more you forget yourself and the more you’re concerned with the other person. That’s why its important just to stick it out whenever it gets tough.

Loretta:  I’d say doing things together, which we do a lot through our church service. Years ago we decided that If we’re invited and the church doors are open, we’re there- baptisms, wedding showers, activities, everything. By doing that together, we’re doing things together. Marrying in the temple to start it off with is a great blessing because you have that foundation of an eternal marriage.

When he was working and I wasn’t working, I would go out and wave good bye to him. Now that he’s retired and I’m working, he goes and waves goodbye to me every morning.

Garth: Yep, me and the dogs we follow her out.

Loretta: It’s the little things.

Garth:  Little notes in lunch boxes.

Loretta: Yeah or coming over and stopping over at my work to say hi, just showing acts of kindness.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years

Q:  What leads to an UNHAPPY marriage?

Loretta: I think distrust, not being loyal.

Garth:  There are always those that would like to destroy what you have so you have to be very very careful. That I can think of I have never had a personal conversation about personal matters with a member of the opposite sex other than her. When people in the work place start talking to members of the opposite sex about problems at home, pretty soon they’re in trouble. When there are troubles at home, you discuss it with no one but your spouse. Not even family- not siblings. If you feel like you’ve got to discuss it, you’ve got to figure out a way to discuss it with your spouse.

Loretta:  One way to do that is through prayer.  Sometimes it is hard to talk to the individual about a problem, but when you’re praying together, it is easier to talk to a third person (God) about it. But your spouse is there, so they can understand your feelings.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years

Q:  If you had to give the younger version of yourself marriage advice what would you say to yourself after one year of marriage?

Garth: I would say save money.

Loretta:  When we were younger, we were advised to never go to bed angry, but we have found that sometimes sleeping on it can be better. Things are clearer in the morning.

Garth:  So we’ve gone to bed mad! . . . Sometimes in separate places.

Loretta:  Sometimes we’d stay up till 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning trying to work things out and still have to go to work the next day. Even though its a rough night, we think going to bed is better. And sometimes it just takes a few days. I wouldn’t recommend it all the time, but when you can’t figure it out, you need to step back.

Garth:  You need time to figure out how stupid the argument is.

[Celeste here, we totally agree with this advice and have come to the same conclusion- fighting when you’re tired is the worst time to fight.  Celeste out]

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years

Q:  Do you guys still fight?

Garth:  Sometimes, but generally its when someone withdraws a little bit.  Its not a fight its discomfort.

Q:  Is your marriage now different from what you would have expected your marriage to be when you were first married?

Loretta:  Better.

Garth:  I would have expected it to be like our parents, and it pretty well is. Maybe better in someways, maybe not as good in some ways. Particularly her parents- they were a great example to us.

Loretta:  They were. I can still see my parents when I’d go to ask them something late at night, they’d be holding each others hands in prayer.

Garth:  My mom and dad had a major obstacle . . . me! There was a lot of contention over me. But that went away.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years

Q:  Can you describe a challenging time you went through and what you did to maintain a strong marriage through the challenge?

Loretta: We would disagree on how to discipline the children. I often felt like we should provide consequences right away and he often thought we should let natural consequences play out.

Garth:  The argument was almost always between waiting it out and seeing what happens or providing consequences and discipline now.

Loretta:  Yes.

Garth:  And we had plenty of opportunities to have those discussions.  You probably will too. One challenge to our marriage and we handled it by pulling closer together, was a severe illness of one of our children. She was already married and she nearly died and we couldn’t get a hold of her husband and when we did it was an awful lot of stress and we were making decisions about her and we were taking care of her kid, trying to take care of our own family.  So that was a challenge and it brought us closer together. And we haven’t had anything like that since, but I feel like it has prepared us for most anything that could happen. We have 30 kids and grand kids- the bigger your family gets, the greater the odds that something tragic is going to happen and you need to be ready. I feel like we passed that test.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years

Q:  How do you work out disagreements you have about parenting?

Loretta:  Basically if it came up to what the choice was and we disagreed, I trusted Garth. I went with him. I went to my Bishop once for advice and he told me to trust my husband. I’ve followed that advice with great results. It has taken the pressure off and led to peace.

Garth:  A lot of times we would compromise and her opinions always tempered my reactions.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years

Q:  How do you support each other?

Garth:  I try to help around the house for her, and she always supported me in my callings, I’ve been bishop for 10 years, on the high council for 10 or 15 and she always supported me, never questioned me.

Loretta:  I remember when he was bishop in Texas and when he needed to go on a call that he had during family home evening and and it was a half hour away this person’s house so he was gone like 3 or 4 hours. when he left I cried on the bed and thought, “why do you have to go on family home evening! Its our night! Its a commandment!” We had all these little kids. Even though I let him go, I didn’t like it- I had had it with the kids and now I had all evening too and he came back and said, “thank you for letting me go, I probably saved his life.” So I realized my situation wasn’t as bad as what they had.

We support each other in lots of little ways every single day.

Q:  Best marriage advice?

Garth:  Don’t give up, make a home wherever you’re at.

Loretta:  If you’re serving the Lord, you’re serving your spouse. If you’re doing what the Lord wants you to do then it will be easier to have a close relationship with your husband.

Garth: So just don’t give up.

Loretta:  Trust the Lord and trust each other.

Garth:  Have fun, keep the romance alive.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage From Couples Marries 25+ Years

 

Secrets of a Happy Marriage: Sonja and Lane Strathearn

First post in our series Secrets of a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years in which I interview Lane and Sonja Strathearn.

This Interview is Part One of a 4-Part Series:  Secrets of a Happy Marriage 

Kicking off our interview series we have the Strathearns, a delightful couple originally from Australia who recently moved to Iowa City.  A few months ago, Sonja gave an excellent talk on reconciliation during our church service in which she mentioned that she and her husband had gone through counseling together a number of years ago.  I found it equally beautiful and encouraging to hear her tell about the strength they received from working on their relationship together in that way.  Anyway, Rich and I made eye contact and mouthed the words, “guest post” at the same time, so it was meant to be 🙂

Also, their 15 year old son Jacob is a budding photographer and graciously took some shots of our interview (don’t get used to this caliber of photographs for the rest of the series, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment).  Check him out here!

– Celeste


Secrets of a Happy Marriage from couples married 25+ years.Q: How many years have you been married?

Lane:  25

Secrets of Happily Married Couples

Q: How would you define a happy marriage?

Sonja:  When you’re still together and enjoy being together and can work out your problems.

Lane:  When you feel more in love with someone than when you were first married.

Q: Whats been the best thing you’ve done to keep a strong marriage?

Sonja: Going to counseling 10 years ago. When we were first married we had very little time, Lane was in med school, we lived an hour away from his work and we had a lot of babies, no money and it was really hard for a really long time. Things were a little rocky and counseling really helped identify things that we weren’t doing. We had to learn to communicate again. Both of us had to learn to be willing to be flexible, not be selfish, put the other first and try to communicate better.

Lane:  There was a time where things became taken for granted and it really took a jolt to help me to realize what I had and what I wasn’t doing to keep that. So, I think through that experience we decided to re-invigorate our marriage by doing things together by finding a common passion we enjoy together. That’s when we started going to dance classes.

[Celeste here: Lane mentioned “going to dance classes” casually, but he and Sonja became masters of Argentine Tango through these classes. I actually got to see them demonstrate it in their living room and it made me want to go sign up for classes!  So awesome to get into something like that together.  Ok, Celeste out.]

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Q: What do you think is the quickest way to an UNHAPPY marriage?

Sonja: Selfishness. Going your own way without communicating or thinking of the well- being of the other. I certainly was guilty of being selfish and still am sometimes. But selfishness is the root of it all.

Lane: That’s exactly the word that came to my mind.

Q: If you had to give the younger version of yourself marriage advice what would you say to yourself after one year of marriage?

Sonja: If there are any little problems you nip them in the bud- do not let them fester. I was guilty of that. I internalized things until they exploded. Do the counseling if you have to- address the real problems whatever they are- address them early and work them out.

There’s a funny story where we had this little old television- black and white, teeny and we had it for the first four years of our marriage. I really wanted a real television and it wasn’t a priority for him. One day I snapped and bought one on credit – a big one and I remember his shocked face when he came home because we had a tight budget and I felt so deprived.  When he came home and saw that television he said, “Haven’t I been giving you enough attention?” [laughs]

I think learning to negotiate and learning to have an argument that’s not mean so you can settle problems. I don’t think I knew how to have a fair argument. I was like a child and I put him in a parent role and was sad when I couldn’t have something I wanted. It took me a really long time to have an equal communicating relationship.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

Lane :  When you’re newly married and you’ve got studying and young kids and this new relationship, there are so many things pulling you in different directions and they’re all good and important, but its so important to put your priorities into what’s most important. I think I was trying to be a perfectionist in everything I did with my studies and church callings. I couldn’t step back and not give everything I had to all of those areas, and that’s good but it’s not the best. Family is. Over time if you continue down that pattern, little things become bigger things. So, letting go of some things that aren’t as important.

Q: Is your marriage now different from what you would have expected your marriage to be when you were first married?

Sonja: Definitely.

Lane: Its more passionate.

Sonja:  I think when you get married, you never quite know the person you’re marrying completely. We’d been friends for several years but not dating. When Lane came back from his mission, we had a long distance relationship and quickly got engaged. I don’t think we really knew each other that well. We had a lot of assumptions. I think our first year was wonderful, I remember being very happy, but I had no idea that it would be so hard with medical school. I had no idea it would be so hard with lots of little kids. My mother kind of did it beautifully. I kind of thought it would be easier and it wasn’t easy. The family part now is better than what I would have expected. We really have exceeded our expectations with how our teenagers have turned out because we put in the hard work early. I have a lot more joy than I would have thought, I feel really satisfied about our family as a unit and how we all enjoy each other.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Q:  What’s something your spouse has done to make your marriage better?

Lane:  Sonja is such a great mom.  Our kids have always felt close to her and I think that’s because of her openness and willingness to be there for them when they need her and that’s something I’ve always appreciated.  I appreciate her sacrifice to be home with the kids.  It’s been hard having a large family and Sonja’s borne the brunt of that.  I appreciate and love her for that sacrifice.

Sonja:  Lane has changed a lot in the years we’ve been married.  I appreciate his willingness to adapt and change.  He’s become more flexible, more loving and patient.  Also, he’s always been willing to help around the house and with the kids when he’s home.  He was really good at helping with babies through the night. He would change their diaper, he’s been wonderful about helping.  I’ve always felt supported.  He’s tried to treat me like a queen.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Q: What advice do you have for couples who don’t get to see each other very often?

Sonja: Your time is very precious with your spouse, so its very important to schedule dates even if its not as regular as you would like even if its just once a month. Time together is super important. That’s probably my biggest advice. Also I think keeping your marriage spiritually healthy- always praying together before sleep if you can and just praying for help when you need it, when times are tough.  Don’t forget to ask for help.

Q: Final Marriage Advice?

Lane: Service. Let the power of the atonement of Christ work itself in your marriage.

Sonja: Learn to communicate, nip arguments in the bud and date each other.

Secrets of Happily Married Couples

Secrets of a Happy Marriage From Couples Married 25+ Years

Introducing a new series where I interview couples happily married for more than 25 years to learn all their secrets to a happy marriage!

Guys. I’m so excited to introduce our new series for this week:  Secrets of a Happy Marriage from Couples Married 25+ Years!

Secrets of a Happy Marriage from couples married 25+ years.

Over the past few weeks I’ve interviewed four couples and I’ve learned so much!  I feel like I took a crash course in marital success.  Some of the things they said I find myself reflecting on again and again.

I’ve said it before, but I’m a big believer that we should get our advice (be it in parenting, marriage or life) from people who have already passed through the stage we’re in.  They have the wisdom and perspective we need.  Sadly, this happens far too infrequently.

I’m filled with warm fuzzies whenever I think on these interviews.  Here’s who we’ve got coming down the line:

The Strathearns

Secrets of Happily Married Couples
(that’s me interviewing them. and that’s my tag sticking out of my shirt)

The Parkers

Secrets of Happily Married Couples Parkers

The Andersens

Secrets of Happily Married Couples

My Mom and Dad!

Secrets of Happy Marriages

The goal is to post one interview a day (on weekdays), so stick with us- we’ve got a great week ahead!  Can’t wait to share their wisdom with you!