By Liesel

This post is fourth of the 4-part series: Overcoming Pornography Addiction

Yesterday we heard from Blake on how he involved and supported his wife Liesel as he tried to overcome his pornography addiction.  Today we hear from Liesel.  Often when a spouse has a pornography addiction, all the attention for recovery goes to the one with the addiction, but being married to someone with an addiction needs it’s own support and recovery!  Liesel will elaborate on both the things that have helped her and things she wished she would have avoided today.

I’m so impressed with Blake and Liesel.  Blogging is an incredibly self-conscious experience, but even more so when sharing something so personal.  Thank you Blake and Liesel for sharing your story and hope for the benefit of all!  And seriously if you or someone you know is struggling to overcome a pornography problem, follow their blog Couples Against Pornography.  I love that they have so many guest posts from others sharing their success stories.  It is possible!  There is hope!   – Celeste

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When I reflect on the evening that my dear husband confided in me about his pornography addiction, what I wish most was that I had been prepared to respond appropriately to both of our needs. We had been friends for seven years, married for 3.5 years and had introduced our first son into the world just a week before. We had already gone through long periods of separation, Blake’s open-heart surgery, a cross-country move, teaching full time, and the chaos of law school. But I was completely unprepared for his humble and sincere confession and plea for help. I felt betrayed and utterly lost. And very angry.

I recall many times thinking over the next few months, “No one ever gave me a lesson on this! They all lied about marriage. I don’t know what to do!” Resources were thin and most often discouraging and I felt very alone. In many ways I became very childish and selfish in my efforts to cope. I realized some of Blake’s worst fears of rejection as I withheld my love and friendship from him. I had not been prepared to give the love and support that Blake was seeking.

I wish someone had talked with me. I wish my parents and youth leaders had been more upfront with the reality of our internet world. Perhaps they weren’t prepared either. All I knew was that pornography was a dark and awful thing that resulted in divorce and infidelity. And I couldn’t believe that was where we had landed.

But you see, we didn’t land there. Our marriage is stronger than ever five years down the road. Because I have learned to see that my Blake is so amazingly wonderful. And because I love him more than the pain of our journey together. Pornography is scary and so very challenging to face in a relationship. But with the right understanding and tools, we found that what seemed to loom over every aspect of our lives faded into an occasional frustration and annoyance. We still have times that stretch and try us, but we face them together with love and respect for one another.

I would like to share some of the advice I wish I had known on that evening so long ago. It is my hope that it will help you find the right track to strengthening your marriage through this challenge.

1. His pornography addiction does not define who he is.Just three days before our son was born we had visited the beach with some friends. I felt such incredible joy and love for Blake as we played in the water and sand. I was overcome with happiness and felt so comfortable with our relationship. I felt excited and ready to have a baby join our team. Fast forward two weeks and I was looking at Blake and wondering who this person was. My heart felt cold. And as my anger grew it blinded me. I felt like all of those happy moments with Blake had been a farce. I told myself that he must have been pretending to be a good person all those times because he couldn’t possibly be the good person I thought he was if he had a pornography addiction. That thought pattern was incredibly damaging.It took time and counseling for me to realize that the good times were not the farce. Pornography was. That was the part of Blake that was not who he was. He wanted it out of his life, and he was turning to me, his confidant and best friend, to help him.

 

This addiction doesn’t counteract every thing else about your husband. He is still a good person and he still loves you.

2. You are on the same team.

I tried to play all sorts of roles in the first few months as I dealt with this new information. Sometimes I acted like his mother instead of his wife. Other times I acted like his judge, imposing guilt or punishments I deemed appropriate. I resorted to nagging or controlling, babysitting him, distrusting most everything and checking computers and devices behind his back. It was exhausting and completely unhelpful.

It took awhile for me to realize that those functions were not the correct role. It wasn’t until I began acting like we were on the same team against pornography rather than me vs. him+pornography that we started making some real progress. It required me to reinstate my trust in him and it required him to be trustworthy. Our marriage became blessed with an incredible amount of transparency as we did this.

You are not his mother or the police. You are also not his judge.  You are his teammate. Remember! You are on the same team. He hates pornography as much as you do. You will succeed as you work and battle together.

 

3. Do not probe for or search for details.

One of the biggest mistakes I made early on was probing for specific details. How did you access the pornography and when? How many times? What did you search for and what did you see? I demanded to know in an effort to shame him as he was forced to divulge the details. What was I thinking? It was so painful and embarrassing for him and it was torture for me. In my dark moments my mind would shake those details to the surface and haunt me. I have previously written an entire post about talking enough but not too much because I find it to be such an important and delicate balance.

I avoid unnecessary details now. If there has been a relapse we talk openly, but not in detail. I give him the role of clearing the computer history or filter log because I do not need to see. What a relief to not have to carry those details.

4. Get help. You need to have someone to talk to. But choose wisely.

So much discouragement and shame and anger and hurt! I could not possibly deal with it on my own. And it was difficult to say all I was thinking to my spouse who was already aching at the pain he has caused and feeling deep shame. I needed a safe place to talk openly about my feelings and struggles. However, I did not want to break Blake’s trust in me by telling people without his permission. It felt wrong. It seemed that speaking to my parents would taint their perspective of Blake, as would talking with close friends. But I was dying inside.

I tried to attend a few spouse support groups but it was not the right fit for me. I would leave feeling discouraged and depressed. I finally told Blake that I was going to see a counselor. And he responded that he would do whatever it took to help me. It was the best decision I made. I could finally talk! I let all those dark, angry, scared feelings come pouring out, without fear of repercussion. We alternated individual counseling with marriage counseling over the next few months. It was a safe and scheduled place to talk about the hard things.

It was the difference between night and day for me. Don’t make excuses to not go. And go until you find the right counselor. We didn’t have enough money at the time, but were able to get the help and support we needed through others’ generosity. It was absolutely key for me and our recovery.

5. You are not alone. And there is hope!

You may sit in a crowd and look at the happy couples and think, “I am not like you! I am alone in my pain and sorrow with my broken marriage.” If only you could know how many of us have been where you are. You are not alone. You are not broken beyond repair. Neither is your husband or your marriage. But we cannot help each other if we suffer alone.

Our generation was unprepared for the onslaught of internet pornography. Gone are the days when you could throw out the dirty magazine and be clear of any danger. Most of our dear husbands were exposed to pornography before they were capable of getting the help they needed and wanted.

Pornography is powerfully addicting. Combine that with the expanding internet before filters were in place plus the shame and lack of open discussion and you have our men, struggling alone to fight the fight. We are going to change that. Our job is to bring it to light and suffocate pornography through transparency, love, and hope. I hope you will join our community of couples fighting to strengthen marriage against pornography.

I may not have had these tools when we began our journey to fight pornography, but my desire is to make sure others do. You can do hard things! You will succeed. And you will look at your husband and feel the most intense love and gratitude for what you have accomplished together.

By Blake

This post is third of a 4-part series:  Overcoming Pornography Addiction

When I came across the blog Couples Against Pornography I was entranced by the first post I read and then the next and the next.  I immediately liked their facebook page AND signed up for their newsletter.  I don’t ever do that, but I’m a BIG time believer in their cause.  Their blog is full of hope, support, success stories and good writing.

If there is one, underlying message of their blog it is this:  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Couples all over the world WANT to overcome pornography, but the task can seem impossible.  Today, I’ve asked Blake to teach us a little about how they supported their marriage while overcoming the addiction.  A HUGE thanks to Blake and Liesel for being a beacon of hope to so many couples.    –  Celeste

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A few years after I was married, I came to a startling conclusion: I had a pornography addiction.  A problem that had nagged at me since I was young had followed me into my marriage and was now reaching a level that I could not control. I tried hard to eliminate the problem on my own, but for various reasons it kept popping back up. I simply could not win. So, though I was terrified to do it, I finally sought my wife’s help. I needed insight and strength I simply did not have on my own, plus I wanted the best marriage I could have. That wasn’t going to happen unless I opened up and talked to my wife.

I can tell you that was one tough conversation. And, to be frank, the next few months were pretty miserable. Neither of us were quite sure how to handle this sudden wedge between us, and we struggled to regain our sense of direction as a couple.

But I can also tell you it got better. Because we were both committed to each other and our marriage, we actively sought ways to meet each other’s needs. I learned to communicate with her. She learned to recognize when I needed to feel loved. We both learned what addiction meant and how to best plan for and overcome it.

For nearly five years now, my wife and I have successfully faced my addiction together. Our road to this point has not always been easy—in fact there were times that openly dealing with this problem has been downright miserable for both of us—but I can tell you that our efforts have absolutely been worth it. We have seen our relationship grow in so many ways. We are more committed to each other than ever. And our future together feels bright.

 

So how did we get to this point? With a lot of work. With a lot of planning, goal setting, implementing, and revising. Overcoming any addiction takes a proactive plan and a willingness to do whatever it takes to win—just like strengthening a marriage.

I have many tips for couples working on a pornography problem together, and I am happy to share any and everything I have learned. If you are facing a pornography problem and have questions about my experience, please feel free to contact me. But if I were to boil my advice down to five top tips, they would be:

5. Ask for Help

As addicts, we can’t overcome our addiction on our own. That’s precisely why our problem has developed to the point of an addiction. We need to open up and rely on someone else for insight, help, and accountability. I worked with multiple people to help me get on my feet and stay there: my church leaders, a professional counselor (yes, I would recommend professional help) and my wife. Each played a different and vital role in my ability to fight pornography, and I am very glad that I worked up the courage to start talking.

4. Find Your Own Reasons

There are so many reasons for giving up pornography (it distracts, it desensitizes, it offends, it violates morals, etc). But you will only successfully overcome a pornography problem once you find your own reasons for giving up and eliminating pornography from your life. All the reasons in the world won’t be enough to truly give up pornography unless those reasons come from within. To give it up, you have to want to give it up. Brainstorm all your reasons for giving up pornography, write them down, then give yourself constant reminders. There will be days that your resolve is low, and you will need to rely on those reminders from the past. Make sure you have put those reminders in place (as a side note, I will reiterate those reasons and reminders should come from the person fighting the addiction, not from his spouse. These need to be internal motivators).

3. Give Up EVERY Access Point

Yes, I said every access point. The need to give up every access point is why you need to have your own reasons for giving up pornography. When you have an addiction, two things are going to eliminate your rational thought and drive you to focusing only on giving into that addiction: a trigger and an access point. Talk to your spouse about both. What triggers your cravings? Is it an emotion? A certain situation? Then plan for ways to eliminate those triggers. You need to have a plan to keep your brain in rational mode.

Next, because we live in a world where pornography triggers are everywhere, start brainstorming every access point available to you. The time to eliminate an access point is while you are thinking rationally and planning ahead, not when you are in the clutches of a craving driving you to irrationality. So work with your spouse to put barriers in place. Put filters and passwords on your computer, phone, and gaming console. Give your wife the smartphone. Yes, you will be giving up some freedoms. Yes, giving up those freedoms can feel incredibly annoying. But those freedoms are not more important than your marriage.

2. Don’t Give Up

There will be days that you feel overcoming pornography is impossible. There will be times that you relapse. But don’t give up. Fighting a pornography addiction is a marathon. It is a long hike up a steep mountain. But falling on your face during that hike doesn’t mean the hike is over. Just get back up and keep climbing. As you plan ahead, set goals, and really push yourself to eliminate triggers and hold yourself accountable, those falls will become less and less frequent. The cravings will diminish. And life will feel much more normal again.

1. Be Honest

The most important thing for our marriage has been complete honesty. This can feel so difficult sometimes. Confessing to your wife that you messed up can feel impossible. We all want to feel respected and loved. But trust me, once your wife understands how an addiction really works, she will also understand how hard it is to avoid a relapse. That may hurt her, but it is not fatal. Lying to your wife, on the other hand, can be fatal. A lack of trust destroys relationships pretty quickly. And when you first confess a pornography addiction, your wife will likely feel that you have been dishonest to her. So you must eliminate all dishonesty and actively work to regain her trust. You regain that trust by showing you are not only working hard, but you are also being totally transparent about it. Talk to her about triggers and access points. Tell her about the emotions that drive you to pornography. Tell her about your failures AND your successes. And always keep your lines of communication open.

My heart goes out to any individual and couple facing pornography. It is a tough addiction to deal with. And I have seen so many marriages struggle because of the emotions and mistrust that inevitably seep in. BUT, I also want couples to know that there are others out there who have gone through this and are finding success. There is hope. There is a way forward. And while the future may feel so dark at times, the right combination of planning, communication, effort, and time can make it feel light again. Your marriage can be strengthened. You can overcome pornography. You can both feel whole again. I wish you the best of luck in doing so.

By Cherae

This post is part two of a 4-part series Overcoming Pornography Addiction

Yesterday we heard from Brandon about how he is fighting to overcome his pornography addiction.  Today, we hear from his wife, Cherae.  I think I’ve read just about every post on their blog, And So I Fight, and my goodness you guys- this woman is a FIGHTER!  Read this post.  And this one.  So full of hope!  So full of courage and grit.  I’m inspired.

Even if your marriage is not facing issues with pornography, Brandon and Cherae’s words can be for us all.  Every marriage has things worth fighting for, and sometimes it is a fight.  And sometimes we need every ounce of hope and determination we can muster.  But, as Cherae points out, even on our darkest days, we are never alone and there is always help out there.  And hope.
–  Celeste

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Brandon and I were married in August 1998.  Throughout the first two years of my marriage I always knew something was off with my husband. He would stay up late at night on the computer and would get up early to again to get on the computer.  I would always question him about it but he had some excuse every time.

After dealing with those lies for two years I finally caught him and he did come clean (or so I thought) that he had been looking at pornography and had been since before we were married. We had one child at this point and as hard as it was for me to work it out I knew that I needed to for my son’s sake. We visited with the leader of our church and he gave my husband a few suggestions as to what to do to help better himself. Back then there were no programs for this type of thing so he did the best he could and  I was convinced over time that he had overcome his ordeal with pornography.

Throughout the rest of our marriage there was again always something that was off. Again I would question him over and over. I would question him about pornography issues and relationships with other women and again he always denied it. This went on for another 13 years. He was caught a few times with some inappropriate material on his phone or texting with other females, and I even caught him involved in an emotional affair. Each time with lots of counseling I stayed with him thinking that it would be the last time.

Now let me interject here and say that I am a strong willed women who doesn’t need anybody’s validation to make me feel good about myself.  I would be fine being single and raising my children alone, but I knew it was important for them to be raised in a home with their mother and father together. So I stayed.

Then on December 14, 2013, I was Christmas shopping alone and I received an email from him.  It started off by saying that I should always trust my instincts for they have always been right.  It was him that made me doubt how I felt about him.  He then proceeded to tell me how he has been addicted to pornography since before we were married. His pornography addiction led him to having multiple affairs, and many other offensive and inappropriate things that no man should ever do. Unfortunately many of the women he was unfaithful with happened to be close friends of mine. I was horrified at the things I was reading, broken-hearted, devastated, angry, and betrayed, but at the same time I finally felt the relief and validation that all those years I thought I knew something was wrong, I was right.

My husband had finally hit his “rock bottom,” which had now become my rock bottom. And the only thing there is to do when you hit rock bottom is to fight.

And so I fight.

Each day I fight and each day my fight gets easier and easier. There are days that are difficult and those are the days I have to fight even harder, but I fight for my children. And I fight for myself.  After all that my husband has put me through I stand tall with my head held high and my dignity in tact.

There is so much support out there.  Not only for the addicts, but for the spouses as well.   LifeSTAR is a great program for husbands, wives and individuals who are looking for hope, healing, and recovery due to unwanted compulsive sexual behaviors and addictions.  This course was crucial for me in the early stages of healing.  It helps to explain the addiction, how it works, what its doing to their brains, how to find the root of why they turn to this addiction, how the addict can learn new behaviors that are healthy to replace the addictive ones, and how to heal.

It also really helped me to understand that the addiction is not about me, my weight, or how I look.  It taught me how to let Brandon “ own” his actions.  What he does is not because of me.  I’m not responsible for the choices he makes.   LifeSTAR also has taught both of us a much healthier way to communicate with one another and those around us.

Self care is also stressed at LifeSTAR.  Spending time on you.   Making sure you are taking care of yourself.  As women we tend to overlook our needs when we are in fight or flight mode.  Whether it be something as little as five minutes, it needs to be done.  When you are on an airplane receiving instructions on what to do in an emergency situation, the flight attendant tells the adult to first put the mask on him or herself, and then the child.  You will be of no help to that child if you don’t ensure your survival first.  Take care of yourself!  Im not talking about being selfish, just enough time for you to step away from your troubles to just catch your breath. 

Addiction Recovery Program/ ARP.  This is the 12-step program put on by the LDS church.  It is free and they are held at many different locations, at different times, and for different types of addictions.  They have one specifically for sexual addictions.  There are meetings for the addict and for the spouses of addicts.  It is full of women who are looking for healing and recovery.  It teaches how to apply the atonement in your life to forgive those who have wronged you.  It is amazing how much healing comes when you realize how to apply the atonement in your life.   

Life Changing Services.  Maurice W Harker, LPC.  Maurice specializes in marriage therapy (especially regarding sexual misbehaviors).  He knows his stuff, and is very passionate about it.  He has helped me progress beyond measure in my recovery.   Life changing services also has a wonderful therapeutic group for women.  Women Of Rebirth Therapeutic Healing (WORTH).  They have in-person group meetings held throughout the week, as well as online group sessions.  It is free of charge.  It was very important and crucial for me to find a therapist in whom I trusted greatly.  Having previously been to Maurice for marriage counseling I knew that’s where I needed to turn for my “professional” healing.

Even after all of the resources I have listed there is one more crucial piece to recovery and that is finding your own true happiness, self worth, and understanding that regardless of what the outcome in any given situation may be, you will always be taken care of from your Heavenly Father.  I don’t rely on anyone, including Brandon, to create my happiness.  I create it for myself, and in doing so I know that it is genuine.  Its not borrowed, and its not fake.  It is my own.

I have also gained a deep understanding of my own self worth and I will never let anyone take that away from me again.  I allow myself to have bad days (they still happen frequently) and I’m ok with that.  I embrace those bad days, and its because of those bad days that I can appreciate the good days that I have.

I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me dearly and wants nothing but the best for me.  He can’t control anyone’s actions against me, but He can reassure me that in the end EVERYTHING will all work out.  I don’t know how, I don’t try to figure it out, nor do I let myself worry about it.  All I can do is have faith, and that faith, to me, is worth far more than all the money in the world.

Love yourself, respect yourself, and know that you are loved.  Please know that if you need someone to reach out to, you can email myself or Brandon at any time (andsoifight@gmail.com).  We are here to help others further their fight!

Love, Cherae