Using The Color Code Personality Test to Understand Your Spouse

I first encountered the Color Code personality test in high school at a church camp. After we each took the test, we made little felt people in our color and made them into necklaces to wear all week in an attempt to get to know each other and serve each other better.

Sometimes I wish everyone I meet would wear these little colored necklaces so I would better be able to tell what their strengths, limitations and most importantly, motivations are.

Understanding each other’s personalities and motivations help any relationship, but especially a marriage! Megan Christensen is here today to discuss how the color code test has improved her marriage. Thanks Megan!

There are a myriad of resources out there to help improve your marriage, but there is one I personally really believe in. Not only can it help improve your marriage, it can actually help improve any relationship you engage in.

It can also help you understand yourself better and work to improve so you can become the person you want to be. The tool I’m referring to is popular personality test, the Color Code .

Improving your marriage through a personality test may sound hokey, but trust me, it’s anything but. Taking the test is just the first part. Once you identify your own personality color, you can start learning about all the colors and what their motives, strengths, limitations, needs and wants are.

This will help you understand yourself better and the reasons behind your behavior and it’ll also help you understand the same of everyone in your life — most importantly, your spouse.

How the Color Code Test Can Strengthen Your Marriage

For example, I am a Blue personality.

I know that my Driving Core Motive, or my innate motive in life, is intimacy. This means in order for me to feel happy and fulfilled, it’s essential for me to make deep connections with others in life. I’m happiest when fostering close relationships with friends and family.

My husband, on the other hand, is a Yellow personality.

His motive in life is fun. This means a lot of our conversations are infiltrated with how much he wants to go on another cruise.

It may sound insignificant now, but understanding each other’s motives is essential to our understanding of each other in general.

My husband and I recently moved to a new neighborhood and therefore have been invited to a couple social gatherings to meet new people. I really wanted to go to the first one we were invited to because I wanted to make friends with those around us. However, it didn’t sound like the most fun thing to do to my husband.

So we stayed home. In turn, my husband accompanied me to the next one, which also didn’t sound super fun to him, but he knew it was important for me to develop these relationships with our neighbors.

Both of those situations were a great compromise!

In addition to Blue and Yellow personalities, there are Red and White personalities. The Red motive in life is power. Reds are typically the power-house leaders among us.

The White motive in life is peace. Whites are the calm, serene peacemakers in our friend groups and families.

Each personality type comes with natural strengths and limitations and needs and wants.

Now that you know more about each of the colors, let’s talk about how this knowledge can help you in your marriage!

Understanding Your Spouse’s Strengths

First, the strengths.

We can all hopefully identify strengths in our spouses, but learning about the natural strengths that come with each personality color may help you understand how personality-specific your spouse’s strengths are. Although you may have recognized the strengths before, now you have specific names for them and can notice them more.

Maybe your Red spouse is decisive and it combats your indecisiveness as a White. Now that you can truly recognize their strength for what it is, you can appreciate it and promote that strength in them.

Next time the two of you are moving into a new place and you can’t decide which carpet you like best, you know they can make the decision! That’s not to say you should ignore your own limitation of being indecisive as a White, but it can help you recognize how your spouse balances you so that you can appreciate their personality more.

Understanding Your Spouse’s Limitations

Even recognizing your spouse’s limitations can help your marriage. If you’re married to a Yellow who interrupts you, it may help to identify that as a natural limitation for them, so you can recognize it’s not something they’re necessarily doing on purpose, it’s a limitation that is natural for them and may be hard to overcome. In turn, you can (kindly) make them aware of this limitation so they know to work on it.

Each personalities’ needs and wants are also extremely important to know in marriage. For example, the White personality needs to be accepted. By recognizing this as their spouse, you can love them better by accepting them for who they are and allowing them to feel they can be completely themselves around you.

If you’re married to a Blue, know that quality is very important to them, so if they are taking an extraordinarily long time decorating your home, it’s only because it’s very important to them.

As you can see, it’s really important to understand our spouses so we can best learn how to love and be patient with them. I’m sure we’d also all feel better if we knew our spouses were trying to better understand and love us.

To learn more about the Color Code, read our blog or “like” our Facebook page.

Megan Christensen graduated from Brigham Young University-Idaho in 2014 with a Bachelor’s degree in communication. She previously worked as the head writer for KSL.com and is now the digital content manager for the Color Code. Her core color is Blue, but she is almost just as White.

November 30, 2016

The Dangerous Myth of Finding Your “Soul Mate”

Assuming that successfully finding your soul mate will set you up for marital bliss will potentially doom your marriage before it even starts.

Happy to say that Rob from Family: Good Things is back in all his guest-posting glory. Check out his previous posts here, here and here. And while you’re checking out things, go ahead and check out his e-book (3 Things You Can Do Today to Create a Ridiculously Happy Marriage)!

Some of you won’t like what I have to say here. In fact, if you consider yourself “a romantic”, this article might initially anger you. But, please read the entire article prior to chiding me with your remarks in the comment section! Honestly, understanding this concept can save marriages!

The Myth of the “Soul Mate”

The “soul mate myth” is a well beloved myth indeed. Those that hold this expectation generally believe that there is one, and only one, right person to marry – their soul mate.
The idea of a soul mate is quite a romantic notion and has been the plot of countless cherished books and movies. But, please pay attention to me – this myth is incredibly dangerous. Let me explain!

Dangers Caused by the “Soul Mate” Myth

There is one major hazard for those who prescribe to this myth. Those who assume that marital bliss is a result of finding their one “soul mate” dangerously shift responsibility away from improving themselves or nurturing their marriage.

In other words, rather than working hard on our own individual improvement and working equally hard at nurturing our marriage, we can be tempted to assign all the blame to the spouse.

A 2014 study noted that couples either view their marriages as “destiny” or “growth”. Couples that view their marriage as “destiny” generally believe that their spouse is their “soul mate”. One of these researchers, Dr. Spike W. S. Lee, noted the following during a recent interview:

“If we are soul mates, then nothing will go wrong in our relationship, and it will be easy. A conflict makes a destiny-believer question whether the current partner is actually their soul mate, and then they give up on working it out,”

Too often “destiny” couples who are not happily married (though they had ironically once believed that their spouse was their soul mate), simply believe they were duped and that they didn’t marry their soul mate after all. Somewhere, their soul mate must still surely exist.

Can you see the danger here? Not only are we less likely to work at a marriage if we assume it will come easily to the two of us (due to the belief that we found our “one and only”) but couples are also more likely to sever such a union when times get tough.

There is, of course, a need for certain marriages to end in divorce. But, I suspect the number of actual divorces would be much lower if we realized how poisonous this soul mate myth actually is to the marriage relationship.

Lest you feel sorry for my wife for my utter insensitivity to this well-beloved myth, might I suggest a more romantic solution? Each of us should spend our best efforts in becoming one another’s soul mates. Now that really is romantic! See, I told you I’d make it right!

Becoming each other’s soul mate is a worthy goal for every couple. So, while my wife could have found marital happiness with other guys and I surely could have married other women, today neither of us could imagine life without each other.

Become Your Spouse’s Density

(I mean destiny)

Becoming each other’s soul mates doesn’t just happen. Rather, it is the result of intentional effort, love, forgiveness, and a reduction in our selfish tendencies. Unlike the dangerous soul mate myth, actually striving to become one another’s soulmate would be a fantastic (and realistic) goal for any couple striving towards a ridiculously happy marriage!

If you like this article, check out my new mini eBook (3 Things You Can Do Today to Create a Ridiculously Happy Marriage)! It has been selling like hotcakes! Actually, I’ve never sold any hotcakes, so I can honestly say, it is selling better than hotcakes. Find out why! For just $4.99 you will receive powerful and practical advice and principles that (if applied) can add happiness to your marriage!

After all of this pancake talk, you may be getting hungry :). Go ahead and have some flap jacks, but when you are done nourishing yourself, get back to work at nourishing your marriage. It is always worth the time and effort!

September 6, 2016September 7, 2016

Sex, Money and The Blues – 3 Ways You May Be Allowing Selfishness to Harm Your Marriage

Every marriage encounters selfishness from both parties at some point. However, we can do a lot to keep our marriages happy by keeping our selfishness in check.

By Rob Stewart

Before considering different ways in which selfishness may be rearing its ugly head within your marriage, let me first share a quick disclaimer about the title.

Honestly, I was quite proud of myself for creating a clever play on the old saying “sex, money, and rock n’ roll”. Then, a few hours later I sadly realized that the saying was actually “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll” – thus making my title less clever. But, alas, this not-as-clever-as-I-once-envisioned title was still better than my other lame attempts…so I’m running with it. 😎

Now, on to selfishness within our marriages…

The Sexual Relationship

Healthy marriages are clearly based on so much more than just the physical relationship. However, that doesn’t mean that a mutually satisfying sexual relationship isn’t important. Author and intimacy expert Laura M. Brotherson shared a number ways in which couples can benefit (both individually and as a couple) as they prioritize lovemaking.

Among these reasons, she noted that sex can improve emotional intimacy, can be a great stress reliever, can actually boost the immune system, can build self-esteem, and can improve sleep (and on and on).

A healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationship really is a necessary ingredient for a happy marriage.

So, how are things going in your marriage? Is it possible that you are allowing sexual selfishness to sabotage your marriage?

Sexual Selfishness Quiz

1. Do you only consent to sex when you are in the mood?
2. Do you insist upon sex when your spouse isn’t in the mood?
3. Do you genuinely care about your spouse’s sexual satisfaction?
4. Do you place this bonding marital act low on your to-do list?

The sexual relationship has the potential to be a wonderful aspect of a healthy marriage. However, when selfishness exists, this part of marriage can become an area of disagreement, stress, and frustration.

[More resources on improving intimacy here, here and here]

Finances

Money can be a source of stress in many marriages. Let’s face it, life can be expensive! Much has been written about how financial stress can harm your marriage (see this NY Times article as an example).

Sadly, too many of the “money issues” felt by couples are self-inflicted.

As you take this quiz, honestly assess if financial selfishness is an issue in your marriage?

Financial Selfishness Quiz

1. Do you generally find yourself thinking more about buying what you want rather than what your spouse would prefer?
2. Do you consider if your purchases fit within your family’s / couple’s budget?
3. Do you purchase things without your spouse’s consent (or against his/her will)?
4. Are you sneaky with your spending (such as hiding some of your purchases from your spouse)?

Over the years, I have observed that selfish financial behavior is fairly common. If you struggle in this area, please recognize that you run the risk of severely harming your marriage.

[More resources on improving your marriage financially here, here and here]

The Blues

There is one more area of selfishness that is a bit sneakier: self-loathing (see this article for more information). Let me clear, being consistently down and hard on yourself is not a very pleasurable form of selfishness. But, if we’re consistently “blue” it can still damage the marriage just like other forms of selfishness.

We all experience some sadness of course. Further, there are some who struggle with clinical depression and may benefit from medical attention to help with this illness. However, for the rest of us, as we frequently allow ourselves to remain mired in our own “pity parties”, we are unable to give our best to the marriage relationship.
Take this last quiz and consider if there are “pity parties” that are hurting your relationship?

Self-loathing Selfishness Quiz

1. Do you often find it hard to love and serve your spouse because of how you feel about yourself?
2. Do you allow negative thoughts about your body or your appearance to impact your physical relationship?
3. Do you convince yourself that you are not a good spouse and then allow those destructive thoughts to become a reality?

Among other things, marriages need consistent attention, friendship, spontaneity, creativity, and passion if they are going to thrive. Since we all have a finite amount of time and energy, if we choose to focus inwardly we will not be capable of spending the time or energy required to form and maintain such a marriage.

So What!?

I am yet to know of a marriage that hasn’t previously (or currently) encountered selfishness. But how we respond to our own “humanness” (as well as the “humanness” of our spouse) makes all the difference.

If you are guilty of any of these forms of selfishness, for the sake of your marriage, work at it! We all possess the ability to improve!

Please remember that happy marriages don’t simply happen. Rather, they are the result of consistent effort and intentional decisions to nourish the relationship.

Warning: Only Keep Reading if You Already Have a Good Marriage

If you already have a good marriage and yet desire a ridiculously good marriage, check out our most popular eBook “3 Things You Can Do Today to Create a Ridiculously Happy Marriage”. This book is inexpensive ($4.99), fun (think “puppy dogs and cotton candy” fun), and crazy-good for your marriage. What do you have to lose (I mean, other than the $4.99)? 😉

August 30, 2016March 1, 2017

5 Easy Ways to Support Your Spouse in a Healthy Lifestyle

Sometimes we unintentionally sabotage our spouse’s health ambitions. By figuring out the root of unhealthy habits, leading by example, making it fun, and being patient you’re well on your way to supporting your spouse’s healthy lifestyle.

By Paige Johnson

I am so happy Paige reached out to me with this guest post. The balance between genuinely helping your spouse to be healthy and nagging them (which breeds resentment) is a fine line, and Paige’s suggestions are on target for being helpful instead of judgmental. Paige blogs for LearnFit.org. If you’re interested in learning how to make fitness work with your lifestyle, check it out 🙂 -Celeste

Most people like to think of their relationship with their spouse in terms of how in sync they are, but the truth is, sometimes people go their separate ways with lifestyle choices unintentionally. Often, after a big life change such as having a baby or retirement, couples find that they aren’t on the same page when it comes to being healthy, and this can cause disagreements and even resentment.

It’s important to remember that it’s okay if you and your spouse don’t agree on everything. There are many ways you can support your loved one and nudge them toward healthier life choices without being judgmental or nagging (which rarely works anyway). Here are some of the best ways you can get your spouse on a healthy track.

1. Find the root of their unhealthy habits

Whether your loved one is staying up too late, eating too much junk food, or not getting enough exercise, it’s important to try and find the reason they’re doing those things. Staying up late is sometimes a symptom of feeling like the day was too full and there wasn’t enough “me” time. This can lead to exhaustion, which can in turn lead to a lack of desire to exercise. Not eating a balanced diet–snacking on junk food and not making an effort to incorporate protein and leafy greens into meals–can be related to stress or depression. Often, people use food for comfort. Talk to your loved one and try to suss out what’s going on with them. It could be that they need a good talk about work worries or family issues, or that they just need an hour a day devoted to doing something they want to do.

2. Lead by example

Help your spouse see how much better they would feel if they followed in your footsteps; eat right, get in some daily exercise, and eat well. Make a point to let them know how good you feel, but don’t give in to the temptation to recruit them. Simply showing your loved one how you’re living your best life can encourage them to give it a try, too.

3. Make it fun

Once you’ve figured out what the main issue is, try and incorporate ways to make a lifestyle change fun. If it’s exercise, plan out a date night a couple of times a week that includes an activity, such as hiking or swimming; or, you can do something as simple as take a walk together with the dog. If food is the problem, look up some healthy recipes on Pinterest and make it a point to cook with your spouse so that they are involved.

4. Don’t sabotage it

When it’s your turn to do the grocery shopping, make sure you fill the cart with healthy foods rather than chips and soda. Bringing home junk food when your spouse is trying to eat better won’t help the situation and could lead to resentment. At the same time, taking away the things they love most might make them feel micromanaged and trapped, so meet somewhere in the middle. If your loved one has a sweet tooth, buy the ingredients for a simple dessert and make it a surprise after dinner one night, or ask your spouse to help you make it.

5. Be patient

Making big changes can be overwhelming for some; it’s not going to happen overnight. It’s important to be patient with your loved one and leave the judgment at the door.

Photo via Pixabay by TXRMTODAY

Paige Johnson is a self-described fitness “nerd.” She possesses a love for strength training. In addition to weight-lifting, she is a yoga enthusiast, avid cyclist, and loves exploring hiking trails with her dogs. She enjoys writing about health and fitness for LearnFit.org.

August 25, 2016

1 Simple Way to Improve Your Marriage (A Lesson From The Beatles?!)

Hand holding is such a simple act of affection. So simple its often overlooked, yet its effects can be surprisingly powerful.

By Rob Stewart

I’ve teamed up again with Rob from Family: Good Things to Come, who has generously offered to provide us with regular guest posts, woo-hoo!! His article fits in nicely with our theme for the month- marriage advice from famous people 🙂 – Celeste

“I Want to Hold Your Hand”

Some months back my wife and I went to a local concert with a Beatles tribute band.. Not surprisingly, one of their featured songs that evening was the 1964 hit “I Want to Hold Your Hand.”

I left this concert with two main takeaways.

First, and less importantly, I now sort of understand why my wonderful father-in-law dressed like he did in the early 70s.

Second, and more importantly (especially since I am a marriage and family scholar) I started thinking about the importance of such a simple act – holding your spouse’s hand.
And, let’s face it, don’t we all want to be one of those cute older couples who are still holding hands decades later?

Further, is it possible that holding hands with your spouse now may help you still be happily married then?

Ahh, patience! We’ll cover that shortly. But first, a quiz!

Pop Quiz

Do you remember the anticipation leading up to holding your spouse’s hand for the first time?

Were you the one brave enough to make the first move?

Did this simple act fill you with warmth and closeness toward your future spouse?

However, wherever, and whenever it happened for you and your spouse, I bet you still fondly remember the details!

Our Memory

For my wife and I it was on a date a few weeks after we met. Carissa and I had already enjoyed a few dates together. This evening we were watching a play at a local theater.
I really don’t remember much about the play.

Why?

In part because it was a long time ago. Mostly, however, it was because my mind was completely preoccupied with my desire to hold her hand.

Well, why didn’t I just take it you might ask? After all, nothing ventured nothing gained, right?

But, as it was, I was a big chicken! Notwithstanding the fact that her hand was intentionally beckoning from the arm rest (as she would later confess), we were well into the third act before my wife’s husband finally had the guts to hold her hand for the first time.

If I had a hard time remembering the play before I held her hand, I had no chance remembering what was happening for the remainder of the play.
Thoughts like these were running through my head:

“I can’t believe it, this beautiful girl is letting me hold her hand.”

“Ugh, you fool, why didn’t you try this an hour earlier?”

“I really wish this was a seven act play.”

This simplest of physical touches, that of hand-holding, sent butterflies through my body that day. It was wonderful.

I bet many of you have similar memories!

Why We Need to Keep Holding Hands!!

While most newlyweds generally excel in the area of physical touch, it turns out that holding hands has benefits for all marriages (regardless of how long you’ve been married). Consider this fascinating TED talk from Dr. James Coan (PhD and assistant professor of psychology at the University of Virginia).

According to this research from Dr. Coan, when we hold hands with our spouse we actually send signals to each other. More specifically, this simple act of holding hands sends signals to your spouse’s brain suggesting that “I am here with you”. Over time the signal can grow even stronger to the point that it signals to the brain that “I am you”.

Isn’t this interesting?

There is something romantic about the notion of “becoming one” in marriage. This is often manifest as we share our dreams and triumphs, as well as our frustrations and challenges. Likewise, in obvious ways, we become one with our spouse during sexual intimacy. But, it is fascinating that simply holding hands can subconsciously help us feel of this desirable “oneness” in marriage!

Your Assignment!

So, if you do want to be married long enough to be one of those adorable older couples walking hand-in-hand through the grocery store, then commit today to frequently reach out for your spouse’s hand.

Remember, even simple acts can strengthen a marriage!

Go the Extra Mile

If you like this article, check out my new mini eBook (3 Things You Can Do Today to Create a Ridiculously Happy Marriage)! For just $4.99 you will receive powerful, practical advice and research-based principles that (if applied) can help you begin strengthening you marriage this very day!

About the Author

Robert Stewart (Dr. Rob) is co-founder and contributor at Family Good Things. He has his PhD in family studies also teaches marriage and family classes at the university level. Stay tuned as Dr. Rob and Dr. Tim (Tim Rarick) will guest author a few articles each month on this site.