Sometimes, when we are emotionally charged about something and we want to call our spouse’s attention to it, we resort to using anger as that attention-grabber. As a way of saying, “Hey! Listen up! This is important to me!”
We use anger as our sword going into battle.
Sadly, however, anger often has the exact opposite effect we are going for. When our partner senses anger directed toward them, they will either shut down and disengage or put their defenses up. They will become emotionally flooded and have a difficult time even processing what you are saying.
When we come at our spouses with anger, we are unintentionally giving them permission to NOT listen to us. Whereas if we come to them with an issue calmly stating our interpretation of a situation without blame or contempt, it forces them to actually grapple with what we are saying.
In this episode of Marriage Theraoke, we are therapizing the song Love is a Battlefield. Nate Bagley, who runs the podcast Loveumentary is offering his best tips for conflict resolution and what to do when you have to enter your own “battlefield” of difficult conversations in marriage.
Give it a listen:
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Nate’s marriage membership course the 1% club.
And while we don’t condone marriage battlefields, we do condone dance battles. Here’s the music video for Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar:
And here are our new and improved lyrics:
(It’s not fun, it’s not fun) It’s not fun
(Hard to have conflict) Hard to have conflict
(Didn’t understand) Didn’t understand
(We’d always accuse and demand) We’d always accuse and demand
(Love was a battlefield) Love was a battlefield
We were wrong
Misunderstood conflict for so long
It’s the main metaphor for this song
Never quite knowing …
Is love a battlefield?You’re telling me no,
It doesn’t have to be that
These terrible arguments we’ve had
It’ll help if we know
How to prepare what to say
Hard things that won’t leave us so mad
Believe me, concede that we
Need to change how we fight
Not lashing out it rage
Or bottling it in tight
It’s not fun
Hard to have conflict
I won’t just accuse and demand
Because love’s not a battlefield
We were wrong
Fighting like that is long gone
Certain our love can stay strong
Because both of us know that
Love’s not a battlefield